The heart knows when the search is over.

He has great taste in music and watching him do something he’s so passionate about is pretty admirable. The world doesn’t know this about him but he has a lovely singing voice. Watching him grow through all these years really reaffirms the love I feel for him. This connection we share – it’s so deep, so rooted. I could go on about the things I find so amazing about him but I’ll stop here because words are not enough to make anyone understand what my heart wants to say.

I never thought we’d get here after all that we’ve been through and all the obstacles we had to fight through. It was all worth it. He is worth the struggles and all my effort.

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt I was wheelchair-bound at this age and I was had to go down the rollercoaster tracks on my wheelchair. I was trying to get to him somewhere below. In real life, I really hate rollercoasters but this time, it was different. It was both thrilling and scary. As I made my down, all I could think about was how excited I am to see him so the fear didn’t hold me back. I went as fast as I could until I saw him, until I met him mid-point. He smiled as I approached and we embraced each other tightly, lovingly. We had another round to go so he took my wheelchair and pushed me down, with him hanging on to the back. As we went down, I turned back and watched him smiling that mischievous grin he has, wind in his hair, joy in his eyes. He caught me looking and smiled at me as I laughed and screamed on the way down. That look – it made me feel safe and so serene. We laughed all the way down and as I turned back, he was still holding on my wheelchair but he was now an old man, and I, an elderly lady. It resembled that cartoon drawing of an elderly couple holding hands an laughing that I keep as my wallpaper for my Mistycrayon’s’ Spotify playlist. We aged as we continued down the rollercoaster and yet we like two young kids – still so madly in love. It was a strange dream but he pointed out that it was cool representation of our life story. Now that he mentioned it, it was. It really was. ☺️

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The Pikachu to my Ash

Happy birthday, my darling Suzie. You would have been 13 today.

I miss you every day, more than you can imagine.

The Pikachu to my Ash (nevermind the gender).

This time of the year always gets me feeling so emotional. The colours of my world have come back but today, I feel the black and white all over again. I remember your sweet face and your mannerisms – you’re such a sweetheart you know? You were really my bestfriend through and through and.. I just miss you… so much. Some days, I feel like my heart is about to explode in my chest from the grief. You were the greatest joy in my life.. and also the deepest heartbreak, but you were never a regret. I love you so much. ❤️

To Suzie 🥂, and all the joy and love that came with her.

Sometimes when I get so angry in life, I want to throw this tantrum like when I was a kid and refuse to do what I should do because I believe it to be right. I want to do everything that is wrong and immature but I always find it so hard to go against my better judgement, which is to sit my angry ass down in one corner and calm the storm in me before I respond with the right thing to do. I’m not incapable of bad decisions and lashing out, I am SO capable of it but I’ve grown over the years and have done so much to learn from that.

Well, in this context, I feel frustrated that I go to bed thinking I’m just going to throw a very immature tantrum for it just to make it known I am not happy only to kick the blanket off and do the opposite because I know there’s no better way than communicating my feelings than to talk to the person who is affecting those feelings. Besides, I don’t want to reverse all that learning process and undo my progress. I’ve come a long way to slide all the way back down. If this is a game of snakes and ladders, I’ve been rolling that dice to make the slow progress or reach the ladder. Occasionally, I get the snake and it bites me right back in the ass.

I’m no superhero, but I’m not the typical female in that story either. I’m just an ordinary plain Jane doing what I feel is best – and I save myself. How else am I going to grow in confidence and strength if I’m not thrown the difficult situations in life.

Today is just one of those days where I want to sit in front of my laptop, binge watch on Suits and have some delicious cake. If I didn’t have work, I would be baking that delicious cake for myself only to enjoy it later in the evening when I’m winding down the day.

Some days, I wish I pursued being a pastry chef. The problem is, I never seem to have the confidence to pursue anything I may potentially be good at only because I fear being told I’m not good enough. But I know everything I want is on the other side of fear so I got to have the courage to pursue the things that both excite and scare me.

I’m listening to the song “Mr.Brightside” on Spotify and that song never fails to remind me of Marion – not because of the lyrics but it was the memory that came with the song.

For one, I like to tell him “I never” when he jokingly accuses me of lying. Since the beginning of time, his comeback is “why are you singing the song” and I either react by giggling or giving him the annoyed look cause I’ve heard that one too many times before.

For another, it’s the song we sang on the way home from Sembawang MRT Station when he was walking me home; or when he had our picnic date at Botanic Gardens; and in our hotel room during our Penang trip when I was being super hyper one night after the sugar rush from all the cakes we ate.

It’s not that I can’t sing, I’m just not talented in that area. Hahaha and I’m really bad with remembering lyrics so yeah, this is one of the songs that I have no problem remembering the lyrics to and even though the lyrics are talking cheating – it is a happy song for me. It brings me back to very good memories with Marion. I cannot wait to move in with this human one day. In the trips we’ve had together, we’ve realised how natural it is for us to live together and how much we enjoy it. He’s truly my soulmate. Blessed beyond thanksgiving for the wonderful partner I have found in Marion.

I just spent $49 on stationeries and I have absolutely no regrets. I’m a sucker for stationeries and diaries. I hope this colouring devotional will help me to cope with my stress and anxiety.

Growing up is the hardest thing I had to do

My father posted these on his Facebook today. I don’t know why it got me feeling so emotional. I can’t tell if it’s PMS or something else or a little bit of both.

I’ve been feeling so much of anxiety lately. I come into office and my heart races but I keep this straight face on. I need to write a to-do list everyday to keep my mind focused on getting the job done rather than on the anxiety I feel but the anxiety is always lurking in my thoughts. It may seem like this emotion has no relation to this photo but it does. Especially since my first job, I feel like I’ve been growing up a lot because responsibilities is the theme of being an adult. That is not to say that you are only responsible when you get your first job but you realise how much more responsibilities there are on your plate once you start work. I guess cause I’ve been so sheltered my whole life. I always had my family around to help me through the tough times but recently, I’ve been trying to rough it out on my own cause I can’t keep crying to my family each time something goes bad. But work is hard and this industry demands so much from my very soft, emotional heart. I have been working late hours every time there’s a shoot and I go through periods of being moody and snappy – especially towards my family. I knew something was clearly wrong somewhere but I thought it was just work. It didn’t occur to me how much I truly miss time with my father.

He’s always been my rock and my hero. I call him superdad for a reason. The nickname stuck to him since I was a kid. Everytime I struggled, whether it was school or relationships, I turned to him. It was the car rides we shared or the runs we used to have when I was a kid. As I grew older, Marion became that go-to person for me. Naturally, since he’s my partner. And I just kept forcing myself to be strong and independent. But I truly miss the strength of my father’s love. I miss our moments. I miss my time with him.

I wish I could go back to being that young girl dancing with my father. I want to just pause at the moment for awhile and take it all in. Growing up is the hardest thing I ever had to do. As much as I’m beginning to feel like I’m getting too big for this nest and it’s time to fly, I’m also still very much in need of my father’s guidance and protection.

When I was younger, I wrote essays about my father cause I hold him in such high regard. I have a lot of respect for him. Sure, he’s not perfect. Sometimes I get annoyed with him too and sometimes I don’t agree with his ways but he’s still that man I respect so much. I wanted so much to be like him. It may seem like I have it altogether but I really don’t. I just try to keep a straight face, a look inherited from my father. He never used to be all tough, the job changed him – he was forced to be tough. And right now, I feel like I’m also forced to be tough but all I really want to do is run to my father for strength but I can’t because I need to grow up.