I have been so bitter about the past. I mean, I am aware of the growing bitterness through all the heartaches and I wish I didn’t have to feel so many emotions every single time but I guess that is just who I am and how I grew up to be.
I won’t deny that time after time, I still grieve and sometimes get mad at all those who have chosen to leave, especially when I look through old photos of them or even the new ones they post of their current lives. They’re just reminders of how I’m not part of it anymore.
For the longest time, I’ve told myself to eventually forgive and let go but forgiveness is such a difficult thing. I mean, sometimes you make that concious decision on the spot to walk away and forgive, then other days you walk back to that same spot and choose differently. I do miss them you know. I wish they knew how much though. I wish there could be some sort of closure, some reconciliation.
I know I have pushed so many people away too and some of these dissolves in relationships are partly my fault in it. I can’t tell them how sorry I am because the friendship is beyond salvagable. I go to sleep at night, some nights, hoping or making a scenario in my head of when I will meet them again 5-10 years from now and how we would all be mature and civilised enough to reconcile eventually. I guess that’s why I keep making so many films about friendships.
Although I’m more or less happy with my life at this moment, I can’t ever forget them; the people who have left. People do leave footprints in your heart, and it’s never easy to remove them.
I feel like my heart is some sort of wet cement that they have stepped; never prepared for what’s to come and when it finally dries and they have walked away, their footprints just remain.
I am growing more aware with how I deal with people. I’m trying hard not to be a possessive friend or one that loses her temper too much because the addition of both produces a bad result. It’s just sad that it took all those people for me to learn and be aware.
Oh well, such is life. People grow and change every day.