Letting Go

I think it’s really time to let that memory go and stop fighting it. It’s clear you can’t be happy for me and it’s now super clear to me that you want nothing to do with me. As much as that makes me super pissed and annoyed, I think more than anything the underlying emotion is disappointment in having high hopes and the sadness that comes with it.
I’ve tried to preserve so little of what was left in our friendship so I guess now I know for real I have tried and nothing has changed or worked. I’ve held on to this past for 2-3 years now and it truly is time to let it go – every mistake I blamed myself for, every good thing that existed in our friendship, every memory I have of you and how our friendship used to be. I want to forget it all and I want to forget you… At least til I can truly let go off the bitter emotions I have over this.
I know what I have now is so much better than what I had then but nobody can truly replace someone who once so special to you, so important. They can only help you build happier memories and journey with you from this day onwards. So I don’t seek to replace you, I no longer do because I know it’ll never work. I seek to forget you… Completely.
With 2013 coming to an end, I say goodbye to all these painful memories along with and hello to many more happy memories with those who stayed in my life.

Looking fear in the eye

I have been blogging a lot more these days ever since I started a wordpress account. I actually still do write in a diary, but sometimes I prefer to share my thoughts with others.

So recently, I wished an old friend of mine happy birthday and I was a little honest in the message.. a little too honest. Here’s a little bit of history for you without details, in summary, the friendship dissolved. Whose fault was it? I don’t really care nor is that the issue to be addressed here. Basically, we still wish each other happy birthday every year despite the fallout, which I think is nice, and we do quick catch ups in that single Whatsapp. This year, however, from doing some self-reflection, I didn’t want the greeting to be so surfaced. I didn’t want a simple “hey happy birthday, hope you’re doing well..” yada yada. I wanted to be honest with my feelings of truly missing the person despite knowing things can never be the same. What did I expect to acheive from that? Nothing. I just wanted to get it out of my system and attempt to face my fears of confronting. When I use the word “confronting”, I don’t mean that to be aggressive, but it is more of an internal confrontation with myself, my thoughts, my fears and at this point, my fear of being judged by the receiver.

So there, that was my honest birthday greeting to that certain friend, one that truly came from my heart. I don’t know how this person reacted to it and I don’t know if I’ll ever know – whether there would be a reply later or not – I’ll never know what his/her true feelings are towards that. I was uncertain if I should have sent that, maybe because I feared judgement from the receiver and from the receiver’s peers, but I am done with shallow, surfaced greetings when that was truly all I wanted to say. I wanted to finally come to peace with myself and my past and the things that cannot be changed. If you ask me, I wish I could reconcile and actually sit and talk to every single friend that I am no longer close to. But that will never happen unless the other party is willing to and not just be willing, but be willing to be honest with themselves. I think they think I wish things were back to how they were before but that’s where they’re mistaken. If things went back to the way it was before, that’s by God’s blessing and two parties who are truly willing to forgive and repair the relationship, and even so, things can never ever be the same (which may be a good thing if you ask me), but what I want is to get my real, last closure. But sadly, this closure can not be in the way I imagined, or the way I hoped to attain it, it has to come from within – of accepting my mistakes, of accepting apologies that were never said, of accepting that God has a greater plan for both parties.

And the strange thing is, that kind of closure is the most difficult one to go through even if it just involves you. But that’s exactly why it’s hard to go through, because a lot of it is your own effort and acceptance. I am slowly trying to face all my fears in the eye. So I said what I needed/wanted to say to this person, and I guess I should not expect any reply and accept that this is how I move on again.

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Thoughts and talks

I met up with two of my girlfriends today to celebrate the 21st birthday of one of them and as she sat opposite me sharing her stories, I could not help but notice how amazingly gorgoeus she looked today. I know this sounds rather lesbian of me but I am not trying to imply that, all I am saying was that my friend truly looked so gorgeous. Then I proceeded to compliment her just because I don’t like to secretly compliment people in my head as I feel people should feel good about themselves and compliments are necessary when the occasion calls for it. I can’t say exactly what her reaction was, I think she was amused, confused, shy, pleased and even awkward to hear that. But that’s when the conversation shifted to why some “friends” can’t be happy for others. There is an inverted comma there because true friends are life-giving and always ready to be happy for their friends.

Over my 21 years of growing up and having different groups of close friends in my many phases of life, I’ve realised I have met quite a plentiful of “friends” who are always envious, always comparing, and never eager to throw compliments. Infact, they would suppress that compliment and try to find flaws in whatever way they can or try to find an area where they would do better in just to make themselves feel better. I’m sure this stems from an old childhood wound that was never addressed before, and has carried on to their present stage of life. Maybe their parents kept comparing them before, or maybe their parents would always tell them they are not pretty enough, not smart enough, not slim enough etc. I do feel a lot of pity for people who were treated that way as kids because I strongly believe that all parents should always make their children feel better about themselves, the world is cruel enough as it is. However, I feel that at an older age, people should be reasonable enough about themselves and their wounds and not hide behind the excuse that their parents did these things to do them and therefore they can’t stop comparing. We are responsible for own lives, it is time to grow up and take charge of your personal growth as a person and not hide behind these wounds as your excuse. You can’t change where you come from, but you can change where you go from there.

So to my “friends”, whoever you are, or to strangers who come by my post and you relate to this post, good things no matter how small they are fights the cruel, harsh realities of this world we live in. Positive energy only creates more positive energy. Start to take courage in throwing a simple compliment or two, especially to those whom you envy. You’ll never know how much that simple compliment can go a long way in someone’s life.

Sadness will be my sleeping pill

Sometimes I feel like I’m not someone to put in effort for especially when it comes to people who tell me I mean so much to them. I don’t feel it at times but I know I shouldn’t cave in to that belief based on something that may not even be true. Sigh. Tonight I sleep deep in thought. 😦

Learning to love oneself

Are you competitive by nature or have you ever fallen into the trap of competing with someone?
Well I have. I will admit that shamefully.
And sometimes I feel that the reason we compete is because we are not convinced that what we have is already good enough or that we make too many excuses that stops us from reaching our goals and we see someone else who has beat us to it.
I am done feeling less, and I am done comparing. Because guys, comparison just makes you feel lousy about yourself or empowers (but in the wrong way). The only comparison we should be doing is comparing who we are now from how we were then.
I think that people (I’m speaking generally), have to learn how to focus on themselves (their strengths, their weaknesses, their goals, their drive, their purpose) instead of focusing on what they don’t have that others do.
Yeah it’s a hard thing to practise, easier said than done, but that’s why you also have to surround yourself with people who are life-giving. I don’t know about others but this is true for me, when I meet someone who is life-giving, I am more life-giving myself. It’s a beautiful domino effect.