Looking fear in the eye

I have been blogging a lot more these days ever since I started a wordpress account. I actually still do write in a diary, but sometimes I prefer to share my thoughts with others.

So recently, I wished an old friend of mine happy birthday and I was a little honest in the message.. a little too honest. Here’s a little bit of history for you without details, in summary, the friendship dissolved. Whose fault was it? I don’t really care nor is that the issue to be addressed here. Basically, we still wish each other happy birthday every year despite the fallout, which I think is nice, and we do quick catch ups in that single Whatsapp. This year, however, from doing some self-reflection, I didn’t want the greeting to be so surfaced. I didn’t want a simple “hey happy birthday, hope you’re doing well..” yada yada. I wanted to be honest with my feelings of truly missing the person despite knowing things can never be the same. What did I expect to acheive from that? Nothing. I just wanted to get it out of my system and attempt to face my fears of confronting. When I use the word “confronting”, I don’t mean that to be aggressive, but it is more of an internal confrontation with myself, my thoughts, my fears and at this point, my fear of being judged by the receiver.

So there, that was my honest birthday greeting to that certain friend, one that truly came from my heart. I don’t know how this person reacted to it and I don’t know if I’ll ever know – whether there would be a reply later or not – I’ll never know what his/her true feelings are towards that. I was uncertain if I should have sent that, maybe because I feared judgement from the receiver and from the receiver’s peers, but I am done with shallow, surfaced greetings when that was truly all I wanted to say. I wanted to finally come to peace with myself and my past and the things that cannot be changed. If you ask me, I wish I could reconcile and actually sit and talk to every single friend that I am no longer close to. But that will never happen unless the other party is willing to and not just be willing, but be willing to be honest with themselves. I think they think I wish things were back to how they were before but that’s where they’re mistaken. If things went back to the way it was before, that’s by God’s blessing and two parties who are truly willing to forgive and repair the relationship, and even so, things can never ever be the same (which may be a good thing if you ask me), but what I want is to get my real, last closure. But sadly, this closure can not be in the way I imagined, or the way I hoped to attain it, it has to come from within – of accepting my mistakes, of accepting apologies that were never said, of accepting that God has a greater plan for both parties.

And the strange thing is, that kind of closure is the most difficult one to go through even if it just involves you. But that’s exactly why it’s hard to go through, because a lot of it is your own effort and acceptance. I am slowly trying to face all my fears in the eye. So I said what I needed/wanted to say to this person, and I guess I should not expect any reply and accept that this is how I move on again.

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