My mother is a strong woman. Her strength lies in her love.
Today, I watched my Lola cradle my Tita at this grown age, as she cried about the painful memories she retold to me. And I saw so much beauty in that scenario.. Because I saw how tenderly they loved, and how much strength they carried in them. I cannot share too much because it’s personal but I took every opportunity I could to write it in my diary so I would never forget this moment.
Today, I realised a lot. And today, I have a newfound respect for my mother. I should really give her more credit for my upbringing.
I’m quite bummed that my documentary didn’t turn out as what I expected it to be but then again, I have no one to blame but myself because I could have managed my time better and hence, producing better results.
Honestly, this was the only portfolio project that I cared for more than the rest. I won’t count the first one only because that was the very first film made and as much as there wasn’t a strong narrative going on cause I didn’t know what filmmaking really was about then, it contains memories of Suzie and I.
I care for this documentary because I want to major in it. And I want to major in it because I feel I could do so much with it, to tell others stories and to be inspired by their stories and create a work of art out of it but not out of exploitation. I don’t wanna throw this pity party for myself and I’m not, I’m just reflecting. But I always tell myself to manage my time properly and I guess I don’t really know how. It’s not enough to say it’s because I’m in a relationship because I suppose there are others who are in serious relationships too that somehow, they manage to get everything done and still spend time with their other halves. But then again, when people say “thank god, I’m not in a relationship. No time man.” It makes me feel that relationships are supposed to take up that much of people’s time. Okay I am having one of those internal debates with myself again.
The thing is, I never regret spending time with my loved ones, I only feel a lot of unrest only because I am aware I have assignments due. I can never be career-driven or work-oriented because I am a family person. But I don’t want to use that to justify why my time management sucks. I just need to find a way to stop procrastinating and I procrastinate only when I feel I can’t handle a task so I freeze there. Everything that is technical about filmmaking is hard for me to grasp. And academic essays which I am relatively alright with is always done on the day before or the day itself only because the word count is daunting. Sighhhhhh this really needs to be worked on. Hmm
I dreamt you died.
We often talk about how we are unable to picture our lives without each other, I guess can imagine how that would be like now. As much as I am aware dreams aren’t real, but while you are in the state of dreaming, it appears so realistic that your emotions are realistically invested in the dream state as well. It’s weird though, because in my nightmare of you dying, it happened in “real time” – The month was April. I knew it was April because after your death in my dream, I thought about our upcoming anniversary and how we planned to celebrate it. Then I got really mad at you for dying, for breaking that promise to stay safe because now I was left in despair. I no longer had my bestfriend, my soulmate, the person I was meant to grow old with. That this was not how your death was supposed to be like. I was in so much despair that my natural instinct was to seek for another alternative and as if I knew there were two states – dream state and state of reality – I forced myself out of the dream hoping that in reality you weren’t dead.
I woke up crying.
Because as much as I tell you all the time that you matter a lot to me, it didn’t occur to me how much you really do. How lost I could be if I had to kiss you on the forehead for the last time while you lay in the coffin. I guess human instinct would also force me to survive and to live through your death if that were to really happen, given I have months to grieve, but I would never want to imagine life without you in it.
We met close to 6 years ago, we’ve been overcoming anything and everything together close to 5 years now, how do you say goodbye to that? I don’t want that nightmare I had to be a reality. I just had to get it out of my system because that nightmare really brought me to tears and I still can’t get over how real that felt. You are the person my soul leaps for joy whenever you come around. You are my custom-made blessing from God. And I want more than 5 years with you. I want, if I could have, an eternity with you.
Let’s cut to the chase shall we? (This) is pretentious. You don’t want to know about my life neither do I want to know about yours so let’s just say I’m doing both parties a favour.
Yes, I will be blunt, I really do not care about you, your life, your opinions. I only cared about it for a brief moment in my life because I thought things were different but nope, you’re still the same.
You don’t usually do or say things like that to me, I’m the one who usually does things like that but you have those days where you randomly get into a certain type of mood and you send me things like that that could make me smile for centuries.
Sometimes you randomly upload a photo of us on insta and insert a nice song lyric in as the caption.
And in all that simplicity, even if it’s just a mere sentence, I still get the butterflies (even though it’s been close to 5 years now). You are my eternity as well, love, you’ll always be and somewhere deep inside my heart, I feel as if you really are the one my soul is meant to journey with for a lifetime. It is definitely too soon to say, and I might sound crazy even, but I can’t shake off that gut feeling that somewhere, somehow, this is true. And if that truly is the case, then I am truly blessed to have found you and to have been found by you at the early age of 17.
Thank you, for all that you have been, all that you are and all that you will be. I love you, present tense.