Nightmares and Dreams

I dreamt you died.

We often talk about how we are unable to picture our lives without each other, I guess can imagine how that would be like now. As much as I am aware dreams aren’t real, but while you are in the state of dreaming, it appears so realistic that your emotions are realistically invested in the dream state as well. It’s weird though, because in my nightmare of you dying, it happened in “real time” – The month was April. I knew it was April because after your death in my dream, I thought about our upcoming anniversary and how we planned to celebrate it. Then I got really mad at you for dying, for breaking that promise to stay safe because now I was left in despair. I no longer had my bestfriend, my soulmate, the person I was meant to grow old with. That this was not how your death was supposed to be like. I was in so much despair that my natural instinct was to seek for another alternative and as if I knew there were two states – dream state and state of reality – I forced myself out of the dream hoping that in reality you weren’t dead.

I woke up crying.

Because as much as I tell you all the time that you matter a lot to me, it didn’t occur to me how much you really do. How lost I could be if I had to kiss you on the forehead for the last time while you lay in the coffin. I guess human instinct would also force me to survive and to live through your death if that were to really happen, given I have months to grieve, but I would never want to imagine life without you in it.

We met close to 6 years ago, we’ve been overcoming anything and everything together close to 5 years now, how do you say goodbye to that? I don’t want that nightmare I had to be a reality. I just had to get it out of my system because that nightmare really brought me to tears and I still can’t get over how real that felt. You are the person my soul leaps for joy whenever you come around. You are my custom-made blessing from God. And I want more than 5 years with you. I want, if I could have, an eternity with you.

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