Ink

I don’t know if you read my blog, I don’t know if you ever want to know about my life anymore or if you know I am talking about you, but I’ll say what has been on my mind. I miss your friendship, very much. And I do care, but not in the way you’ve always wanted me to.

I see your stuff on my newsfeed, on my insta, I may have revealed too much from the information I’ve given and I think you know who you are. I do not know why you’ve pushed yourself away from me. I can only make guesses. Was it my temperament? Was it because you needed to figure yourself out and this friendship wasn’t helping you? Did our friendship torment you in any way? I’m sorry if it did, if it does, and I wish I knew why you disappeared just like that. I wish you would answer all my questions. I want to know about your life still but maybe I am no longer entitled that and maybe you don’t want me in it. Maybe you think whatever I don’t know won’t hurt me but it does, and I’d rather have you tell me the truth then just disappear like that.

I don’t know if I can even talk to you anymore, in any form of communication, because I get that sense that you don’t want me around and I too, am scared of being hurt. I mean, I already am, but I guess I do not know want to know my guesses were right just by observing how you act around me, with me. I’d rather you confirm my guesses with a solid answer so I too would know how to heal from this.

You really do not think you mean anything to me, do you? But that’s because you didn’t want to make that known. But your friendship means something to me and maybe it shouldn’t anymore.

I hope we will talk again someday, and I hope that this time you’re ready to tell me what’s been going on because you left me in a state of bewilderment and partial shock. I hate it when the journey I’ve had with people, end. It rips a fraction of my soul from my heart. And I often find myself trying to fill these cracks with giving more, sometimes less, love to new ones who step foot in my life. Whatever it is, I know I will be okay eventually because I have learnt to survive and adapt, but it doesn’t meant I enjoy doing so. I just learn to trust in something greater than me.

If you are reading this, and if you have discovered this is you I am talking about, I do hope you are okay. I am always wishing the best for you.

22 & Contented.

All my life, I’ve always admired those who were born with so many talents, or those who could pass or do well even in exams without studying, or those who have physical appearances that are to die for – whether it’s the face or the body, those who were wealthy and could afford to shop weekly and the list goes on. You wanna know what I think I have?

Well, let’s go down the list. I think I do have talents, though they are not talents I can outrightly showcase. I can bake and I think that is a talent, but ask me how good are my cake decoration skills and I will tell you that they aren’t that fantastic. Maybe if I tried hard enough, it could be better. I believe that I bake well enough, but compared to the people I know of that bakes, I’m no where near that. I think I can edit films well enough, but then again, not nearly as good as my fellow course mates.

I think I am smart enough, book smart, but I’ve always fared in exams through pure memory work. I memorise the chunk of information needed to get me through and I try really hard to understand what I am memorising. But without memorising, according to the education system in Singapore, I am not smart enough because I cannot do well in exams. I believe I have a very good ability to analyse things – be it books, films, TV series, information etc. This makes me do well in essays that requires me to analyse, but I do not know how to make use of whatever I have analysed and to adapt it into the work I do. So I guess, I am smart enough but I am not smart enough for people to envy it.

I think I am pretty enough. I do believe that my parents gave me good genes and I will not pretend I do not think that about myself. I do like dressing up and getting dolled up, but put me next to someone like my sister who is beyond gorgeous in my opinion, and so photogenic by nature, I don’t think I am that pretty even if we look so similar. I am not naturally skinny or small like how this society deems as beautiful, I was born relatively curvy and for the longest time, I believed I was fat. I do not have a flat tummy or that thigh gap that girls are dying for. I do not have obvious collar bones, and I am not slender. I guess I am pretty athletic in form. I will never be one of those girls who could model or make in magazines.

I think my family is well-to-do in terms of money but we aren’t rich. I still live on allowances that my parents give me and I do not need to work part time or freelance to fund my education and I am fortunate in that way. I do not have a killer job that pays well, I’m still a student. I cannot afford to shop weekly, or monthly. I cannot afford to go to expensive food places frequently. I could probably ask my dad for spare money when I want to invest in sports equipment or more clothes or my Herbalife facial products and he probably would give me some cash for them, but I don’t. I live solely on that monthly allowance and I hold the money tightly because I need to.

Sometimes I do envy the people that have all that or at least one of it, because I do wonder what it feels like to possess one if not all of it. There are days I still feel like crap because I compare. People have often reminded me to never compare myself to others, I tell myself that too. Because our lives are uniquely custom-made by God and to compare would not be a fair one. But you know, I do envy these people in a good way. They’ve got something going on for them. So do I, maybe not in the way I wanted it to be, and maybe I should also be careful of what I wish for. The one good thing I have going on in my life are relationships – family relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, etc. I am blessed that way.

Everybody knows how tight my family and I are and I have often been told by my friends that they envy that about me. In addition to the strong family relationship I have, I have also a strong romantic relationship. Everybody knows too of how wonderful my boyfriend treats me and how early in my life did we find each other. And despite all the friendship fallouts I have had, I’ve always been blessed with good friends who care so much about me that they would never want to see me upset. And because I thrive on relationships and I am made a happier being from this, I guess if I really think about it, I have all I need. I know they will be taken away one day because people do perish, but God has always been so gracious as to constantly provide me with people to continue on in this journey with me. And when I really think about my life, I guess my life is so full and complete because I am talented enough, pretty enough, smart enough and wealthy enough.

I try not to to focus my energy on the negative things. That’s a struggle. There are days I stumble and fall but I try. As I grow older, I realise I do not want to remain a teenage girl stuck in a woman’s body – constantly envying others, wishing for more, talking about others or letting what others say affect me. The kind of person I would like to be is entirely different. I have cut off ties with people who only do more harm than good in my life because such energy is not to mix with the flow of good energy I am giving out. Some of you might find that I no longer have you in my contact list or any platform of social media, that is because I am done living in the past. I appreciate all the good memories and I still smile about them, but unless they are ready or want to talk things out and make peace about the past, or to just catch up, I’ll be here waiting, because I have opened the doors for them a long time ago. And even if they do not want to, it does not bother me anymore because I will keep walking. I would like to do good and work on things that drives me, that fuels my passion. And if I want something, I will work for it and not stand there and grumble about why am I born unfortunate because my life is a gift. And it never matters where people came from, but where do they go from here. And if people bitch about me for whatever reason, maybe from the way I was in the past, or what they do not like about me or even what they envy about me, they may continue doing so, though I recommend that they stop investing their energy on those kind of things because it gets them nowhere. I would like to learn to remain unaffected and to not stoop to that level because I would like to always be the bigger person.

I don’t have much, but I have all I need; and that is enough for me.

On a personal note, I would like to thank a few people for making an impact in my life.

The ones who are no longer part of my life but used to be close to me, thank you for being a part of my life and for journeying with me for that amount of time. Even if our lives have changed, I would like you guys to know that I do appreciate all the good you have done in my life. I don’t know if our paths would ever cross again, and even if they do, I don’t know if I would like to resume from where we left out. Nonetheless, the fraction of my life that you guys were part of contributed to who I am today and the decision to choose who I want to be. So thank you.

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My pride and joy; My family. I believe my parents raised me right, also with the help of my aunt who has been with me before I was born. I was taught to always know the value of relationships, not the value of money. To be kind and thoughtful, to learn to deal with difficult situations with grace, and difficult people with humility and firmness. I guess that is why I often found Singapore a hard society to put all that into practice when most of them are rude and unappreciative. Unlike most families in this society, they never placed the pressure on me to succeed (defined by what society calls it). When I feel lousy about myself, the women in my household would be the first to pick out all the good qualities I possess, while my dad would reassure me that whatever I do is good enough. As such, whatever I do in life, I place my family in highest priority, I make sure that whatever I do, I do it for them. I do not need to give back financially when it comes to them because they will not ask such of me, but I want to because I am grateful for having them raised me all these years.

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My loyal companion; Suzie Rodrigues. She’s not just a pet, she’s a furry adopted member of this family. I had her since I was 13, a very tough phase of my life growing up. I was going through much hurt in friendships in particular, and loneliness despite having had so many people in my life. More than I have now. Suzie came along, and that was the beginning of this love I developed for animals because she became the reason why I favoured them over humans. She showed me what friendship really meant, and would sit by my side quietly when I cried. She could not talk to me, but her love was felt and it was genuine. She and I, we have had almost 10 years of friendship now and I believe that no matter what happens, she will always be in my heart because she opened the way of love for me. I was never lonely again.

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My first community; Peaceful Warriors. This is what’s left of Project Jesus, the community I joined and journeyed with when I was 14, all the way until I was about 19 or so. As mentioned, the teenage years of my life did not bear the most pleasant memories. I almost hated it. I was not only going through a time of figuring out who my true friends were, I was also trying to figure out who I was. I was angsty because I hated everything and broken by the people I thought would be there for me forever. Project Jesus provided me a solution to discover who I am because the people who were the original leaders would not stop inviting me over and over again. It was to the point that they became my second family. I would like to especially thank my sister and Daffy here. My sister encouraged me to jump onboard every single time because she was in it first. And being the younger, shyer sister, I would follow and listen to my older sister. She met Daffy, and then I met Daffy and Daffy became another older sister to me. We journeyed very closely and through this, I was able to overcome the struggles I faced in my teenhood and began understanding more of who I wanted to be and the purpose of my life. Project Jesus disbanded and they are all that’s left of it. Nick, who’s like my brother to me, always taking care to baby me when I needed it and to me, that is a big thing because Nick is not a touchy-feely guy by nature.  My boyfriend, Marion joined us for two years before it disbanded and our relationship started there. We began understanding the importance of journeying together spiritually as a couple as well.

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The love of my life; Marion Frayna. This guy is special. You see, back when I was young, naive and foolish, I had my heart broken by two guys who I thought I would be married too despite only having been in a relationship with them (of course in different time frames) for a month. I was so convinced that it had to be them. I really did not learn from the first one did I? I wasn’t so heart-broken to the point that I cried all day, all night and moped around. I was strong enough to go about my day but I did feel quite lonely and I would have non-sexual flings. I had to mention that because if I said flings alone, God knows what those non-innocent minds might think. I often jumped from one guy to another until the first guy who broke my heart asked for me to come back. That first guy and I had an on and off relationship for two years, when I say that, I mean many months of he and I seeing other people. It was only slightly before I met Marion that the first guy had his heart set on a particular girl and I decided that I was done being toyed like a yoyo. Then I met Marion, and we became immediate friends. Our daily conversations made me laugh and things got more serious when we started having feelings for each other but I didn’t want the same mistake repeated and he was shy to ask me to be his girlfriend so we dated for three months then we became a couple, for five years now. I have a lot of thanking to do for this guy because he is my first true love, and I hope he will be the only true love I have in my life. Despite him being a year younger, the obstacles we have faced together as a couple has made us so much stronger and enabled him to be so much more of a man – making sure to look after me no matter what. Before we even got to that point, he was always a gentleman to me. His constant love and support saw me through so many things in my life. Because of the role he has played in my life, I am also a different person now, for the better.

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The gems that I found in a garden of weeds; My Dessert Buddies. I met Preet when I was 13, but we hardly talked and we were definitely not like how we are today. I began to really know these girls halfway through my MI life. You see, to begin, I was never happy in MI. Infact, compared to my teenage years, I hated this phase of my education life the most. I would come to school just aiming to succeed but with no intention of being friends with anyone. As a result, when my friendship with the only friend that mattered to me in that rotten school dissolved, I was left to fend for myself. I went about a week feeling very miserable and wanting for this to end immediately. Then something in me pushed me to talk to Nadia who was my classmate but the Business side of A2 (my class). She invited me along with the rest of her friends which consisted of Preet as well. They were so understanding of my situation and really became true friends to me through the rest of my MI days. I thought our friendship would ultimately dissolve once we graduated, but it didn’t. We’re actually closer now even if we do not talk or see each other everyday but every catch up we have is always a very treasured time for us. These girls were a part of my growing process and that is why I call them the gems that I found in a garden of weeds. I am forever grateful for their friendship because they have stood by my side after all this time for approximately 3 and a half years now.

The other people I would like to thank are Marilyn, Lucas and Aloysius – the friends I met in Lasalle. Though I do not know how close we will be once we graduate, with the exception of Marilyn, I would like you guys to know that you guys do matter to me and even if we are close for those few years, those few years have been and will be amazing. Aloy, thank you for always providing me with a listening ear and for the advice you give me in things that trouble me. Lucas, thank you for the affection and all the love and for always being crazy with me. You both are like older brothers to me and I thank you both so much for being a part of my life even if it will be only for that much of it. Marilyn, thank you for always being there and for your care and concern. Though we do not meet up as much or talk as much, I do care even if it’s silent at times. I appreciate your friendship and all that you have helped me with.

With that, I end this post. I am contented and very grateful about much in life.

Passenger

There’s something beautiful about being the only passenger in a relatively long bus journey back. So much silence that I appreciate. Sometimes life gets too noisy and the silence in a room just creates more noise in your head than it helps. But to take a journey, to sit at the window seat and look out – it relaxes the mind. I do not think, I appreciate whatever is there for me to see. Then it starts to rain, and that beauty is magnified. The water trickling down the windows begins to paint this scene more beautifully. And that’s when I really start to stare. I tried to take a photo of this beauty. But a picture does not do this moment enough justice.

Time

Recently, we brought Suzie to the Vet Clinic for her annual check up. The last check up she had, we found out that she has a heart murmur so we were hoping this time around that things would be better considering we changed her diet and tried all sorts of ways to improve the condition. As Suzie is turning 10 this November, we know too well that our beloved, darling girl’s health would not be as good as when she was a puppy. We were right because the Vet informed us that her heart murmur is a Stage 4. There are 6 stages, 1 being the lowest risk and 6 being the highest. Just to share a little insight on what a heart murmur is – It is the heart valves closing as blood moves through the heart and since there is a hole in the valves (I hope I am explaning this right), the blood that the heart pumps goes two directions. So instead of flowing through to the rest of the body, it goes back to the heart as well and therefore, the heart has to pump extra hard to ensure the body is getting the blood it needs. As such, the murmur is an an unusual sound of the heart during the heartbeat – like a woosh. Due to the heart having to do extra work, Suzie may experience breathlessness even when she isn’t doing much or slight coughs in the night when she sleeps. So far, we’ve heard some wheezing and the coughs which sound like she choked on saliva or water, but the coughs aren’t regular.

Anyway, the Vet told us that we could get an X-ray done to check the extend of the abnormality of the shape of her heart, instead of waiting until Suzie starts getting a cardiac arrest and stuff to find out that she needs to be on lifetime medication. So we had an X-ray done, thank God that the shape wasn’t too round (too round is bad as it means swelling). The doctor advised for Suzie to be on lifetime medication – to reduce blood pressure, and to have Suzie come in for check ups every 3-4 months to monitor her condition. Interestingly, she mentioned that there are a team of experts who are currently working on replacing the heart valves. It is a trial thing, it may extend Suzie’s lifespan to longer than 15 Years of doggy age, and it costs S$30,000. Money that we do not have, and even if we do, we’re not sure if we would like to take the risk as everything does come at a risk. The vet herself told us that even she wouldn’t know if she would consider having her dogs go through that. She advised that since Suzie has 3-4 more years of her life left, make it a good one for her. One without much or any suffering, instead of going through with the operation and if it doesn’t work out, we might have shortened it a whole lot more. It’s like gambling and I’m not up for that. Neither are my family members.

“Suzie has 3-4 more years, very rare to see dogs live more than 15 years.” I choked. I felt a lump in my throat, it was the worst thing I heard in that week. I wanted to cry very badly but I held back because Suzie cannot know that we are upset. She must never know. I am typing this now as she lies on my bed, she’s looking at me while enjoying the aircon. I didn’t want to type this out before because I had to compose myself first. I do not know how to begin. I didn’t know how to accept that I may lose Suzie in a couple of years and that I would have to bid farewell to the friendship I shared with her for almost 10 years now. I still can’t quite wrap my head around it. I have lost loved ones to death before, but I was too young to understand the gravity of it fully. I am older now, much older, and I understand it fully, and just the thought of it really saddens me. For the first couple of nights since I heard the news, I would cry myself to sleep because I don’t want to lose her, I really don’t. But I knew that when we got her, death was inevitable and as a teenager at 13, I counted the estimate age I would be when Suzie would no longer be around. I did not do that sadistically or because I enjoyed doing so but because I was already time-conscious and I wanted to always understand the importance of time I had with loved ones and the importance of valuing that time. I have no regrets having her to be part of this family. She belongs with us. She is and will always be my truest friend and the one who comforted me when I was hurt by the dissolves in my friendships with people.

But I cannot stop time. And death is inevitable. And life goes on.

In the next year, I would be graduating from LASALLE.  Two years of my time here in LASALLE  have gone by so quickly, what more another year? What more 3 years, or 4 years even? Marion will ORD this December, Christmas will come then it’s a new year again. That’s one year gone. When I graduate, that makes another half year gone. And before I know it, time’s up and I will have to say goodbye. But I know the dangers too of living in the future. And I know too well that I shouldn’t. People tell me to prepare my heart for it, but I can’t. This is not something anyone can prepare for. If you ask me, I will tell you this – I have accepted. I have accepted she will leave. I have accepted that I have to say goodbye. I have accepted that I will mourn and I would have to grief. I have accepted that death will knock on our doors. I have accepted the time is passing by too quickly. I have accepted that I cannot stop anything from happening. I have accepted that all I can do now is treasure Suzie’s presence as much as I can, now that she is still alive and relatively well.

I used to say things like “I can’t wait for Christmas to come”, or “I can’t wait for Marion to be done with army”, things like that. But now, I find that it is so hard to say that, because I can wait. Infact, I want time to pass by so much slower. I mean, I would like Marion to be done with army ASAP but that’s the thing, I can’t have my cake and eat it too.

The reality of the situation is that I can only treasure this time I have with her now, I cannot stop time. She means very dearly to me, no one would ever understand the full impact Suzie has on my life because we share that friendship. They may relate, but no one would ever fully know. It doesn’t upset me though that no one would ever fully understand that impact, because that bond we had would always be uniquely ours, likewise the bond she shared with others would be uniquely theirs. I have loved, and will always love Suzie through all the years and all the days that I am alive. I am fortunate to have at least lived close to 10 years and counting of this friendship with Suzie. I was given, am given, the privilege of knowing Suzie.

She isn’t just the family’s pet, she is family. She is my bestest friend.

Eat Clean, Train Dirty.

So I’ve always been very on and off about this lifestyle. I always start out strong and motivated then as soon as school resumes, I get really tired from the late nights of working my ass off and writing essays, that I tell myself I really do have a legit excuse not to exercise.

And I have noticed a pattern – whenever I do my workouts consistently in a week, I tend to eat clean because I worked hard to burn all that calories, to tone the muscles and I’m not about to put all that greasy junk back in (except maybe when I really crave them or when it’s my birthday). Since I am having this wonderful 3 months break before my third and final year in Lasalle resumes, I have carefully planned on what I should do to make full use of this wonderful break. Yes, I am going to get fit.

I must admit, I have always admired people with that kind of determination and always wished I could have more discipline. It’s honestly difficult to eat clean, train dirty when you’re in a relationship unless your partner is a cardio bunny. Well let’s just say my partner is athletic and fit, but he eats junk and enjoys his food. He’s lucky though – he doesn’t gain weight that easily. I, on the other hand, have to watch what I eat. I have curvy woman problems – particularly from waist down. I was born with big hips and I will admit, I do like my own butt because it’s toned. Unfortunately, I am not busty so I do have to work really hard to tone my body to get it into the shape I want. No, I am not doing this for anyone, I am doing this for myself, not out of pure vanity though.

So, today marks the second day of this lifestyle I am trying to adopt and hopefully sustain when school resumes. Yesterday, I worked on toning my legs as I am losing the muscle already (I can feel it) and it makes me sad because I have always prided in the fact I have nice legs and butt. I will shamelessly tell you that and not hide what I think because I see no reason in pretending. But of course, the rest of the world are entitled to their own opinions, it’s mine that matters after all. I ran 3km yesterday as well. I am taking this really slow and steady to get the form of these work out routines right first then I will start focusing on the reps. I started drinking my Herbalife Formula 1 shakes as well too for my Breakfast and Lunch and I must say, my body feels better already. I can literally feel all the toxins being flushed out of my body. I feel more awake, more energised, fitter and stronger. Today, I will be doing butt toning exercises followed by 3o mins of cardio.

To note, Saturdays are my days with Marion and we normally spend time watching Breaking Bad together or a film. But since we’re done with Breaking Bad (good series by the way), we’re probably gonna start watching films again. Also, during those times, we normally snack and eat so much junk – I am talking about Cheetos and Ben and Jerry’s here. But after my birthday week, I am putting an end to this. He told me he will gladly work out with me now on Saturdays and then we can watch films together after. If we feel like snacking – guess what? I have already started compiling healthier snack recipes to munch on. I have also started drinking 3 litres of water a day because God knows I am lazy to drink water. So here’s to my (hopefully) new lifestyle change.

I know some people do actually read my blog when they stumble upon it and judge my life whenever possible. I guess this is normal behaviour for people who have nothing better to do than discuss my life or maybe it’s the curiousity – whichever. I can’t tell you I am not affected when they do and act all tough and shit because I do get emotionally upset or angry when I find out about such. But I am learning to be nonchalant about these things and to focus on the goals in my life. I have been told that the people who try to bring you down and the people who help you up are both to be thanked for the successes in our lives so I guess if anyone here is going to judge me for wanting to adopt this lifestyle and tell me I can’t do it, I will be thanking you guys soon, because I will get there, then you may proceed to feel sorry for yourself and magnifying everything that is wrong about me to make yourselves feel good. Feast your thoughts and energy on that – tell me how that works out for you. And for those who are encouraging me in taking up this challenge to adopt this new lifestyle change, thanks for all the encouragement and the motivation to keep going.