22 & Contented.

All my life, I’ve always admired those who were born with so many talents, or those who could pass or do well even in exams without studying, or those who have physical appearances that are to die for – whether it’s the face or the body, those who were wealthy and could afford to shop weekly and the list goes on. You wanna know what I think I have?

Well, let’s go down the list. I think I do have talents, though they are not talents I can outrightly showcase. I can bake and I think that is a talent, but ask me how good are my cake decoration skills and I will tell you that they aren’t that fantastic. Maybe if I tried hard enough, it could be better. I believe that I bake well enough, but compared to the people I know of that bakes, I’m no where near that. I think I can edit films well enough, but then again, not nearly as good as my fellow course mates.

I think I am smart enough, book smart, but I’ve always fared in exams through pure memory work. I memorise the chunk of information needed to get me through and I try really hard to understand what I am memorising. But without memorising, according to the education system in Singapore, I am not smart enough because I cannot do well in exams. I believe I have a very good ability to analyse things – be it books, films, TV series, information etc. This makes me do well in essays that requires me to analyse, but I do not know how to make use of whatever I have analysed and to adapt it into the work I do. So I guess, I am smart enough but I am not smart enough for people to envy it.

I think I am pretty enough. I do believe that my parents gave me good genes and I will not pretend I do not think that about myself. I do like dressing up and getting dolled up, but put me next to someone like my sister who is beyond gorgeous in my opinion, and so photogenic by nature, I don’t think I am that pretty even if we look so similar. I am not naturally skinny or small like how this society deems as beautiful, I was born relatively curvy and for the longest time, I believed I was fat. I do not have a flat tummy or that thigh gap that girls are dying for. I do not have obvious collar bones, and I am not slender. I guess I am pretty athletic in form. I will never be one of those girls who could model or make in magazines.

I think my family is well-to-do in terms of money but we aren’t rich. I still live on allowances that my parents give me and I do not need to work part time or freelance to fund my education and I am fortunate in that way. I do not have a killer job that pays well, I’m still a student. I cannot afford to shop weekly, or monthly. I cannot afford to go to expensive food places frequently. I could probably ask my dad for spare money when I want to invest in sports equipment or more clothes or my Herbalife facial products and he probably would give me some cash for them, but I don’t. I live solely on that monthly allowance and I hold the money tightly because I need to.

Sometimes I do envy the people that have all that or at least one of it, because I do wonder what it feels like to possess one if not all of it. There are days I still feel like crap because I compare. People have often reminded me to never compare myself to others, I tell myself that too. Because our lives are uniquely custom-made by God and to compare would not be a fair one. But you know, I do envy these people in a good way. They’ve got something going on for them. So do I, maybe not in the way I wanted it to be, and maybe I should also be careful of what I wish for. The one good thing I have going on in my life are relationships – family relationships, romantic relationships, friendships, etc. I am blessed that way.

Everybody knows how tight my family and I are and I have often been told by my friends that they envy that about me. In addition to the strong family relationship I have, I have also a strong romantic relationship. Everybody knows too of how wonderful my boyfriend treats me and how early in my life did we find each other. And despite all the friendship fallouts I have had, I’ve always been blessed with good friends who care so much about me that they would never want to see me upset. And because I thrive on relationships and I am made a happier being from this, I guess if I really think about it, I have all I need. I know they will be taken away one day because people do perish, but God has always been so gracious as to constantly provide me with people to continue on in this journey with me. And when I really think about my life, I guess my life is so full and complete because I am talented enough, pretty enough, smart enough and wealthy enough.

I try not to to focus my energy on the negative things. That’s a struggle. There are days I stumble and fall but I try. As I grow older, I realise I do not want to remain a teenage girl stuck in a woman’s body – constantly envying others, wishing for more, talking about others or letting what others say affect me. The kind of person I would like to be is entirely different. I have cut off ties with people who only do more harm than good in my life because such energy is not to mix with the flow of good energy I am giving out. Some of you might find that I no longer have you in my contact list or any platform of social media, that is because I am done living in the past. I appreciate all the good memories and I still smile about them, but unless they are ready or want to talk things out and make peace about the past, or to just catch up, I’ll be here waiting, because I have opened the doors for them a long time ago. And even if they do not want to, it does not bother me anymore because I will keep walking. I would like to do good and work on things that drives me, that fuels my passion. And if I want something, I will work for it and not stand there and grumble about why am I born unfortunate because my life is a gift. And it never matters where people came from, but where do they go from here. And if people bitch about me for whatever reason, maybe from the way I was in the past, or what they do not like about me or even what they envy about me, they may continue doing so, though I recommend that they stop investing their energy on those kind of things because it gets them nowhere. I would like to learn to remain unaffected and to not stoop to that level because I would like to always be the bigger person.

I don’t have much, but I have all I need; and that is enough for me.

On a personal note, I would like to thank a few people for making an impact in my life.

The ones who are no longer part of my life but used to be close to me, thank you for being a part of my life and for journeying with me for that amount of time. Even if our lives have changed, I would like you guys to know that I do appreciate all the good you have done in my life. I don’t know if our paths would ever cross again, and even if they do, I don’t know if I would like to resume from where we left out. Nonetheless, the fraction of my life that you guys were part of contributed to who I am today and the decision to choose who I want to be. So thank you.

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My pride and joy; My family. I believe my parents raised me right, also with the help of my aunt who has been with me before I was born. I was taught to always know the value of relationships, not the value of money. To be kind and thoughtful, to learn to deal with difficult situations with grace, and difficult people with humility and firmness. I guess that is why I often found Singapore a hard society to put all that into practice when most of them are rude and unappreciative. Unlike most families in this society, they never placed the pressure on me to succeed (defined by what society calls it). When I feel lousy about myself, the women in my household would be the first to pick out all the good qualities I possess, while my dad would reassure me that whatever I do is good enough. As such, whatever I do in life, I place my family in highest priority, I make sure that whatever I do, I do it for them. I do not need to give back financially when it comes to them because they will not ask such of me, but I want to because I am grateful for having them raised me all these years.

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My loyal companion; Suzie Rodrigues. She’s not just a pet, she’s a furry adopted member of this family. I had her since I was 13, a very tough phase of my life growing up. I was going through much hurt in friendships in particular, and loneliness despite having had so many people in my life. More than I have now. Suzie came along, and that was the beginning of this love I developed for animals because she became the reason why I favoured them over humans. She showed me what friendship really meant, and would sit by my side quietly when I cried. She could not talk to me, but her love was felt and it was genuine. She and I, we have had almost 10 years of friendship now and I believe that no matter what happens, she will always be in my heart because she opened the way of love for me. I was never lonely again.

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My first community; Peaceful Warriors. This is what’s left of Project Jesus, the community I joined and journeyed with when I was 14, all the way until I was about 19 or so. As mentioned, the teenage years of my life did not bear the most pleasant memories. I almost hated it. I was not only going through a time of figuring out who my true friends were, I was also trying to figure out who I was. I was angsty because I hated everything and broken by the people I thought would be there for me forever. Project Jesus provided me a solution to discover who I am because the people who were the original leaders would not stop inviting me over and over again. It was to the point that they became my second family. I would like to especially thank my sister and Daffy here. My sister encouraged me to jump onboard every single time because she was in it first. And being the younger, shyer sister, I would follow and listen to my older sister. She met Daffy, and then I met Daffy and Daffy became another older sister to me. We journeyed very closely and through this, I was able to overcome the struggles I faced in my teenhood and began understanding more of who I wanted to be and the purpose of my life. Project Jesus disbanded and they are all that’s left of it. Nick, who’s like my brother to me, always taking care to baby me when I needed it and to me, that is a big thing because Nick is not a touchy-feely guy by nature.  My boyfriend, Marion joined us for two years before it disbanded and our relationship started there. We began understanding the importance of journeying together spiritually as a couple as well.

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The love of my life; Marion Frayna. This guy is special. You see, back when I was young, naive and foolish, I had my heart broken by two guys who I thought I would be married too despite only having been in a relationship with them (of course in different time frames) for a month. I was so convinced that it had to be them. I really did not learn from the first one did I? I wasn’t so heart-broken to the point that I cried all day, all night and moped around. I was strong enough to go about my day but I did feel quite lonely and I would have non-sexual flings. I had to mention that because if I said flings alone, God knows what those non-innocent minds might think. I often jumped from one guy to another until the first guy who broke my heart asked for me to come back. That first guy and I had an on and off relationship for two years, when I say that, I mean many months of he and I seeing other people. It was only slightly before I met Marion that the first guy had his heart set on a particular girl and I decided that I was done being toyed like a yoyo. Then I met Marion, and we became immediate friends. Our daily conversations made me laugh and things got more serious when we started having feelings for each other but I didn’t want the same mistake repeated and he was shy to ask me to be his girlfriend so we dated for three months then we became a couple, for five years now. I have a lot of thanking to do for this guy because he is my first true love, and I hope he will be the only true love I have in my life. Despite him being a year younger, the obstacles we have faced together as a couple has made us so much stronger and enabled him to be so much more of a man – making sure to look after me no matter what. Before we even got to that point, he was always a gentleman to me. His constant love and support saw me through so many things in my life. Because of the role he has played in my life, I am also a different person now, for the better.

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The gems that I found in a garden of weeds; My Dessert Buddies. I met Preet when I was 13, but we hardly talked and we were definitely not like how we are today. I began to really know these girls halfway through my MI life. You see, to begin, I was never happy in MI. Infact, compared to my teenage years, I hated this phase of my education life the most. I would come to school just aiming to succeed but with no intention of being friends with anyone. As a result, when my friendship with the only friend that mattered to me in that rotten school dissolved, I was left to fend for myself. I went about a week feeling very miserable and wanting for this to end immediately. Then something in me pushed me to talk to Nadia who was my classmate but the Business side of A2 (my class). She invited me along with the rest of her friends which consisted of Preet as well. They were so understanding of my situation and really became true friends to me through the rest of my MI days. I thought our friendship would ultimately dissolve once we graduated, but it didn’t. We’re actually closer now even if we do not talk or see each other everyday but every catch up we have is always a very treasured time for us. These girls were a part of my growing process and that is why I call them the gems that I found in a garden of weeds. I am forever grateful for their friendship because they have stood by my side after all this time for approximately 3 and a half years now.

The other people I would like to thank are Marilyn, Lucas and Aloysius – the friends I met in Lasalle. Though I do not know how close we will be once we graduate, with the exception of Marilyn, I would like you guys to know that you guys do matter to me and even if we are close for those few years, those few years have been and will be amazing. Aloy, thank you for always providing me with a listening ear and for the advice you give me in things that trouble me. Lucas, thank you for the affection and all the love and for always being crazy with me. You both are like older brothers to me and I thank you both so much for being a part of my life even if it will be only for that much of it. Marilyn, thank you for always being there and for your care and concern. Though we do not meet up as much or talk as much, I do care even if it’s silent at times. I appreciate your friendship and all that you have helped me with.

With that, I end this post. I am contented and very grateful about much in life.

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