Internalising things

I cannot help but feel suffocated with anxiety, and despite having people say they are here for me, the truth is no one can actually help you with it because it’s your anxiety.

They may attempt to calm you down but it’s all temporary and no matter how much you do in a day, time fights back against you and you’re still left with a 101 things to clear. Maybe it’s called lack of efficiency but then again, how exactly does one be efficient when thinking requires some time. I hate this fucking time in school. I am really losing my shit.

Okay, breathe. You can do this, alone or not.

I wish I could go on with no worries in the world, but that would require me to either mentally block it out or just not give a shit about life – both of which I can’t do.

Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person’s throat……Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established………Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation………Forgiveness does not excuse anything………You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness……”
Wm. Paul Young, The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity

 

Dear Suzie,

I am pretty scared to lose you. That is an understatement.

Although I know that life goes on and eventually this day will come, and I will grieve, and I will move on; I cannot deny the fact that the impact you have made in my life is so great. I do not know how else to prepare myself for this day to come, and I don’t really want to. Because preparing for it only means I expect it to be much sooner, and I don’t want that to be. If I could wish to have you alive for as long as I live, I would, but there’s a reason why lives are taken away at that very moment.

My only wish is for you to go without fear and pain when that time comes, that peace will be with you in that very moment when death calls. The second thing is, let me know when that day is coming because I know you sense things. And the last, allow me to say my goodbyes before you close your eyes forever because I want you to hear and feel how much I have loved you and how I will always love you. That losing you when that moment comes is the most painful heartbreak my heart will ever have to go through.

I do not know how to say goodbye to you, I really don’t want to. But I know what reality is like, it’s a bitch. You journeyed with me for a huge chunk of my life, and never once have you abandoned me in my times of need or when I felt so alone, I can’t say goodbye to you because I wish I had a whole lifetime with you to show you exactly how much I am so grateful for you. And 10 years, 12 years, 16 years is not enough for me.

Every time I try to forget the fact that you will leave us in years to come, I am reminded of the fact that you are no longer at your peak and the fear creeps up again. It is pretty ridiculous to start crying for you now when you are still very much alive and here, but the pain of thinking that it is bound to happen in years to come is hard to ignore. 

Know that I love you more than I could ever tell you or show you, and that you are more than a dog or a pet to me; you are a wonderful lady and the bestest friend I will ever, ever have in my entire lifetime and that every day I get with you is a blessing in my life. I am so grateful to be blessed with your presence in my life. I love you.

Why am I here

Sitting here at Starbucks in this rainy weather, sipping on my Hot Vanilla Latte, Venti, and now procrastinating for a little bit before getting started on my second pitch package.

I’m not really someone who likes going to Starbucks to do work, typically, I’d be on my way home to get shit done since I have a 6 hours break in between classes today, but I’m too tired to travel back and forth to school just to savor 2 hours of sleep at home before getting ready for school (again). Sometimes I question why I chose documentary – I hate it when they make the pitch sound so life-changing. Yeah, that’s how I feel about how they make it seem. I would like some sleep back, and some free time to watch as many movies as I want on my laptop.

Okay, let’s begin.

A self-reflection

So the other day, I went to Pulau Ubin with Marilyn – I had not seen her or caught up with her for awhile so it was really good to just go on a little adventure within the compounds of Singapore. I constantly find myself drawn to nature, adventures of those sort. I like the idea of a campfire out in the woods and camping out there with the ones I love, like those pictures you see a lot on tumblr. I love the silence and the simplicity of life. While cycling at Ubin, although I had company, I was very much with my own thoughts too. A lot of it was just a great appreciation for the one day I had no lessons this week, and for that little adventure. The reflection bit of my thoughts came only after – on the bus journey back.

I know loving ourselves is essential, and I do love myself but I don’t like who I’ve been. In the past, although less mature than I am now, I used to be more selfless in a sense. I would constantly find the need to be there for others even though I wasn’t okay myself. Maybe I did it because I was lonely and that made me feel good – to be giving, I don’t know; or maybe I did it because I genuinely cared. In actuality, I really do not know what was the real reason for me being a little more selfless than I am now. But growing up, I had also experienced a lot of heartaches, like most teenagers do. Though the pattern of broken friendships became so recurring that a lot of my deepest wounds stemmed from the loss of friends I thought would be there forever. Of course, the loss of those friendships was not entirely their fault. People change, and they somehow drift apart. Through the loss of these friendships and wounds that became harder to heal, I became more selfish when it came to being there for people because I was finally happy to have that one person who gave me not just love, but true friendship; Marion. I no longer felt the need to bend over and compromise a lot of myself, which was good, but then it went to the other extreme where I had also lacked in some compassion for those who really needed me there. Grey areas hardly existed in my life, they’re mostly composed of black and whites, and thus, extremes.

Going back to the adventure I had in Ubin, I realised that this was not the person I wanted to be. I don’t want to be selfish, I want to have a selfless heart, but I also want to know the difference of when I am just being too naive and when I’m not. I don’t want people to take advantage of me but I don’t want that to be the reason why I should stop giving or being there for people who need my presence more strongly in their lives. I used to crave for so much beauty – insane vanity, that I might be one of those prettiest girls out there, or a life so perfect that everyone would be envious of me. I don’t want that anymore. If it’s any recognition I wish I could have, it would be to be known for a beautiful heart. I wish my heart could be so pure, so magnified in my actions that it would affect people positively like that. 

I don’t want to let wordly needs define my existence in a sense. I crave for something higher, something more, something this world cannot give. But I am so weak in spirit that it’s hard not to really dislike the people I really dislike. It’s so hard to refrain from judging someone, especially when they make it so hard for me to like them. It’s so hard to want to bitch about someone when I can’t stand them. Sometimes these things make me feel like I shouldn’t even try to have a pure and beautiful heart because the obstacles are much too great and people will believe what they want to believe. If you’re trying to do good, they’ll just think your attempts are futile and that you’re just being pretentious. If you don’t do anything about it, people will think you’re just a bitch and that’s it. As much as I should not care what the world thinks, I won’t lie that hearing these things really tears me up inside and makes me wonder how pure my heart really is. But I know what my intentions are – to be happy and this is what it really means to be happy, it’s to be pure on the inside where these things will no longer affect you, and I don’t want to be affected by the opinions of the world.

Yellow

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The song that I’m currently listening to is ‘Yellow’ from Coldplay and my thoughts immediately went to you. This was the song you sang and uploaded on Facebook on Valentines’ Day 2013. It was cheesy, and it made me blush because people could see it on their feed, but it made me smile like a fool. Because you don’t usually do these little/big gestures of love, you’re very quiet in the way you show it.

I guess you could say I’m a little too heartsick. It’s not only hard to say goodbye to the 3 months break just because it was carefree then, but it also meant saying goodbye to real quality time with you. We both knew when my final year starts, things would start getting busier – for you and for me, and although we always find a way to squeeze in or save time for each other, it’s never enough. It’s only the third day of my final year and I’m already feeling the strain, the mental strain and I keep craving for your company every single time. But this will only make every single time I have with you sweeter.

When you meet the right person, you know it. You can’t stop thinking about them. They are your best friend, and your soulmate. You can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with them. No one and nothing else can compare.

With all my heart.

First day of the final year

To start of, I only had 3 hours of lessons today. Technically, it was just for 2 hours because the first hour was used to brief all the Level 3’s about how this semester would be like. Firstly, I got my first choices of Major and Minor – Documentary and Production Design respectively, and as happy as I am to get into my choices, I am filled with a lot of anxiety as well. I know I won’t be solely alone doing my documentary, but this work would be mostly mine and it scares me how little time I have left to secure my documentary subjects as it is compulsory before we pitch our documentary ideas in three weeks time. Well, I had 3 months of break but I wasn’t really doing much first hand research for any documentary, I was only brainstorming ideas. At least that’s something. I know I have to start meeting and finding these subjects as soon as possible, but seriously though, 3 months of carefree days is really hard to say goodbye to.

My timetable doesn’t seem so packed this semester, I guess it’s because we only go for the classes we are majoring and minoring in, and those that we have chosen to sit in for. I have lessons every day but it’s only for a few hours, significantly lesser than in Year 1 and Year 2, but I know that the “free time” would not be free for long as this semester is going to be really fast paced and I think that is what scares me the most. It is really quite exciting, I will admit to that, but the anxiety builds up too as I progress. I know that it has always been my nature to fight through tough times and I don’t give up easily so I know that it is a given that I will definitely get through my final year. The real question is, will I excel in it? I don’t want to put that kind of pressure on myself, and it is not about competing with anyone, and anyway, I don’t see how competing in film school is any competition. I want to do this for myself, that I didn’t come here for nothing, and that I can tell myself that my final year in Lasalle was the best because I worked hard for it and I deserved it. Cause let’s be honest, I was just streaming along in Year 1 and Year 2. I enjoyed making films, but I didn’t feel the need to be as loud in my actions as my peers. But this year’s different, because this year, I am making that conscious decision to put all my blood, sweat and tears in whatever work I do and to put in more than a 100% in the films I will be crewing on because like the lecturers said, our films this year should surpass Year 1 or even Year 2 work – it should be our opportunity to be noticed by this industry and to showcase our works on a greater scale.

I don’t think I regret my choices of Major and Minor, and I want to carry this positive vibe with me throughout this year so that it’ll ripple into everything I work on. Most of all, I pray for sanity in my moments of stress because that moment is not too far away.