A self-reflection

So the other day, I went to Pulau Ubin with Marilyn – I had not seen her or caught up with her for awhile so it was really good to just go on a little adventure within the compounds of Singapore. I constantly find myself drawn to nature, adventures of those sort. I like the idea of a campfire out in the woods and camping out there with the ones I love, like those pictures you see a lot on tumblr. I love the silence and the simplicity of life. While cycling at Ubin, although I had company, I was very much with my own thoughts too. A lot of it was just a great appreciation for the one day I had no lessons this week, and for that little adventure. The reflection bit of my thoughts came only after – on the bus journey back.

I know loving ourselves is essential, and I do love myself but I don’t like who I’ve been. In the past, although less mature than I am now, I used to be more selfless in a sense. I would constantly find the need to be there for others even though I wasn’t okay myself. Maybe I did it because I was lonely and that made me feel good – to be giving, I don’t know; or maybe I did it because I genuinely cared. In actuality, I really do not know what was the real reason for me being a little more selfless than I am now. But growing up, I had also experienced a lot of heartaches, like most teenagers do. Though the pattern of broken friendships became so recurring that a lot of my deepest wounds stemmed from the loss of friends I thought would be there forever. Of course, the loss of those friendships was not entirely their fault. People change, and they somehow drift apart. Through the loss of these friendships and wounds that became harder to heal, I became more selfish when it came to being there for people because I was finally happy to have that one person who gave me not just love, but true friendship; Marion. I no longer felt the need to bend over and compromise a lot of myself, which was good, but then it went to the other extreme where I had also lacked in some compassion for those who really needed me there. Grey areas hardly existed in my life, they’re mostly composed of black and whites, and thus, extremes.

Going back to the adventure I had in Ubin, I realised that this was not the person I wanted to be. I don’t want to be selfish, I want to have a selfless heart, but I also want to know the difference of when I am just being too naive and when I’m not. I don’t want people to take advantage of me but I don’t want that to be the reason why I should stop giving or being there for people who need my presence more strongly in their lives. I used to crave for so much beauty – insane vanity, that I might be one of those prettiest girls out there, or a life so perfect that everyone would be envious of me. I don’t want that anymore. If it’s any recognition I wish I could have, it would be to be known for a beautiful heart. I wish my heart could be so pure, so magnified in my actions that it would affect people positively like that. 

I don’t want to let wordly needs define my existence in a sense. I crave for something higher, something more, something this world cannot give. But I am so weak in spirit that it’s hard not to really dislike the people I really dislike. It’s so hard to refrain from judging someone, especially when they make it so hard for me to like them. It’s so hard to want to bitch about someone when I can’t stand them. Sometimes these things make me feel like I shouldn’t even try to have a pure and beautiful heart because the obstacles are much too great and people will believe what they want to believe. If you’re trying to do good, they’ll just think your attempts are futile and that you’re just being pretentious. If you don’t do anything about it, people will think you’re just a bitch and that’s it. As much as I should not care what the world thinks, I won’t lie that hearing these things really tears me up inside and makes me wonder how pure my heart really is. But I know what my intentions are – to be happy and this is what it really means to be happy, it’s to be pure on the inside where these things will no longer affect you, and I don’t want to be affected by the opinions of the world.

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