“The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable.”- Paul Tilich
It really takes courage to accept or to even love the parts of you that you wish were better. For me, I’ve always wished I was a little smarter. I have days where I feel so completely useless, and dumb and among my friends, I bring nothing to the table. Like if we were in sticky situtations, I wouldn’t know how to get us out – with either charm or smarts. I have zero to little survival skills and if I were thrown out into the wild or in some horror movie, I’d be the first to die just cause I can’t outsmart anything/anyone. I wouldn’t dare eat a bird for my survival, I think if I saw a lion, a tiger or a bear, I’d just say “yeah eat me, I won’t survive anyway and you need the meal.” I meant that as a morbid joke. It was a joke at first when I said it out loud but now it just sounds kinda morbid on written word.
I guess I’m just tired of being the useless sheltered baby of the group who does not know shit and can’t contribute any thing worthy enough to whatever my friends have to offer. I mean sure, I’m a loyal friend, but sometimes I feel loyalty isn’t enough. Loyalty in a group of sophisticated traits is like having a passive power such as invisibility over an active one like explosions for example. Sure, loyalty is a remarkable trait to have.. but it brings almost nothing to the table. I know I shouldn’t be moping around feeling sorry for my uselessness.. but after today, I just feel that there is no other way I can cheer myself up. It’s just one of those nights when the low is really low and when shit hits the ceiling fan, and you’re just there, helplessly facepalming yourself saying “oh God, why am I so stupid.”
Sometimes when your friends joke about your stupidity/bimbo moments etc, you laugh because you know they do not mean them with ill-intentions of hurting you. In the moment you can laugh about it, but when something serious happens, these words make you feel the opposite. You start getting really upset that you’re bimbotic at times. I know I am not completely stupid, I’m academically smart, I’m just lacking in street smarts.. which is more important of the two.
Like the lyrics from Fun’s Some Nights goes,
“Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck,
Some nights I call it a draw.
Some nights I wish my lips could build a castle
Some nights I’d wish they fall off.
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh, Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights.. I don’t know anymore.”
It’s exactly that, you win some, you lose some. I feel horrible that two horrible things went wrong tonight and even though none of it were directly my fault, it wasn’t anyone’s – it was just so many variables that led up to two major things, I can’t help but blame myself because I can’t blame it on anyone else because it really is no one’s fault. I feel the need to take the blame for things but yet I don’t know how to make it up to the parties affected. A simple sorry is not good enough though sincere because what can my apology do for them anyway?
It’s just one rotten day. Despite the laughs and the fun in between, it wasn’t how I pictured today to end and I feel so horrible for it. I just pray that all will go well. I know things happen for a reason, I’ve always believed so – so whatever today was supposed to mean for me, I have yet to figure out. One day I’ll look back at this and laugh, but tonight, I feel that I can’t even begin to laugh at anything that has happened, not when it’s still so fresh and raw. I hope one day I’ll be smarter.