Towards the end of 2014

As 2014 draws to an end, I thought, like all bloggers, that it would be nice to write a post about the past year.

2014 has been a pretty challenging year for me mostly because of school. Aside from the chaotic moments in school, the ending of 2014 was also a pretty mellow one. I know mellow doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad, but 2014 was pretty sad. We had a pretty quiet Christmas, and now we’re having a very quiet New Year’s Eve countdown. This time, none of us, I mean my family, are actually counting down the New Year’s together. For myself, the New Year is a little hard to count down to this year with so much that has gone on this year. With the recent string of plane accidents, and the most recent Air Asia QZ8501, I cannot help but think for the living relatives who are grieving and mourning for their loved ones and the many bodies that are still to be recovered. I know this doesn’t directly affect me, but I can’t help but ponder on the situation. My heart breaks for the loved ones affected, I cannot imagine being in their position, and I definitely cannot see how I would enjoy my New Year when such a tragedy has hit them so hard. Not to forget, MH370 still has yet to be found. How are all these loved ones welcoming the new year with so much that has happened, and so much that they’re grieving for?

I can’t help but wonder sometimes, what am I doing with my life? I often dream of making this world a better place or helping in hard times like this but I am also aware that everybody feels that way temporarily especially when tragedy strikes. Sometimes I feel I should be doing more, but yet on other days when my emotions are completely out of balance, I’m just some kid who’s too sheltered and gets cranky when stressed. It makes me question my own motives and intention. Maybe 2015 is a time for me to realise how can I be a better person. Maybe it’s always been a never ending discovery over the course of many years.

I don’t really make resolutions for the New Year, cause I don’t like to have my goals come with time limits. “Being a better person” shouldn’t be done within a year, it should be a constant. Some of the things I hope that I’ll eventually acheive is peace within myself, so that nothing and no one can affect me. So that I will know my own worth and not have people validate that for me. So that I will know how to handle relationships and work better. I also hope to acheive humility, so that I’ll never lose my way. I also hope I’ll find discipline in myself to keep pursuing these goals, big or small, whether they are for self-improvement or self-fulfilling.

As 2015 is just a few hours away, I also think of my graduation from PSOF that’s just months’ away now, with just another semester left. Let’s just say this wasn’t my best semester. It was tiring, rushed and pretty chaotic. But aside from all the bad things I got from this tiring semester, I have also been tremendously blessed with great friendships. I would not have survived a tiring semester without the help, encouragement and kind words of my friends; two of which I would like to personally give special mention – Lucas and Aloy. I have found true friends in these brothers and my only hope is that this friendship will extend beyond our time in Lasalle.

I think of my family and Suzie who has been my true pillar of strength and support and how much has changed, for better or for worse, a change is a change and change is constant. I can’t stop a lot of things from happening but I do sincerely pray for my family’s continued health, and good relationships with one another. That we will always be a family of love.

I think of Marion, my bestfriend and partner. Without him, I wouldn’t grow into the person I am today. We’ve been through so much together and I will never know what the future holds for us but what matters is now. As long as we are together, I will always work towards strengthening our relationship and love. I am especially thankful for his presence in my life, in moments of distress, in celebrating with me in my accomplishments, in his patience during more difficult days and his never-ceasing love.

I think of the Peaceful Warriors – Daffy, Chels, Nick, Bel and Marion. Although we don’t meet up as much but our friendship has always remained. I pray for only goodness in our lives and in troubling times, may we find what we need to find to enable growth, whether individually or as a community, though small.

I think of my dessert buddies – Preet and Nadia. Thank you for all the joy you girls bring in my life. For the times I desperately needed someone to talk to or to just have around for moral support. Thank you for the friendship.

I’m afraid to know what 2015 will bring but I remain hopeful, hopeful that there will be happier news in the year to come.

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Excuses

Sorry I just needed to say this. I came across this quote – “Being attractive is not an excuse for being a shitty person,” and I was just thinking to myself, but nothing really is an excuse for being a shitty person. I think that very often, people conveniently blame situations in their past that have led them to become who they are today. People are quick to throw the blame on someone or something but not take control of their own actions. At the end of the day, we grow up and we are always gonna grow up, at some point, this blame game has to stop and self-reflection is then essential.

I’m tired of hearing people say things like “But people have treated me like shit therefore why should I be kind.” That’s just an example. Actually, I’ve thought about that a few times now because I really don’t get why I should be kind sometimes. But the past few days have been bumpy and I really wish I could turn back time and change the decisions I’ve made. I have been dealing with pretty tiresome people and I would wonder why I was always willing to be understanding to their situations and proceed to make excuses for them in the way in which they have treated me. I am a pushover and I am sick of being one, I just wanted to stop being kind altogether. But it didn’t feel quite right to think that way. It didn’t sit well with me.

At mass today, I was talking to God in my prayers and telling him all these thoughts, and as simple as this sounds, it took me awhile to get. Things are always gonna happen to us, and our days will always be filled with both dark and light, good and bad – they form our experiences and the way we deal with them forms our character arc. They can make us turn the 180 from good to bad or bad to good, from kind to unkind or from unkind to kind, from hopeful to cynical or from cynical to hopeful etc. They can make a shift in degree so slightly over the years and when you look back 5 years ago, you realise that shift became a big change. And I no longer want to give these unfortuante situations power over me. I don’t want to be a victim of my own “excuses”. So shit happens, but life is all about “unfair fairness” – as spoken by a very wise man. What I want to be is not an unkind person, or uncompassionate, or worse, cynical. I believe that the world still needs kindness and someone is probably going through what I went through a few years back and all I needed was love. They need that love too and they need someone to show them that there is still kindness. They don’t deserve my lack of compassion, they did nothing to me.

As much as I’ve been emotionall mistreated by a few cynical people in the world, I can’t let them take my light away. Someone needs my light, someone needs that light. And I may not be a Mother Teresa or Papa Francis of this world, but Mother Teresa once said that “not everyone can do great things, but everyone can do small things with great love.” I will not let this world make me bitter, I refuse it. Whatever happened to me in the past are not things I should sweep under the rug, do not mistake my meaning for that. They are essential for my growth. I don’t want to be a pushover, but that doesn’t mean I should turn to being unkind altogether, it’s too extreme. I should learn to have some courage to stand up for myself, to know my own self-worth to never allow anyone to speak unkindly to me. Because people deserve to be told off sometimes – it may be a favour to them in the blindspots of their lives. I don’t know how I’ll find this courage to defend my worth one day, but I pray that I’ll get there slowly. But today, I’ve answered some concerns I’ve had – and I stand firm on the fact that I will not be unkind or allow this world to make me a bitter person no matter how severe a situation might be. And this is what I want to bring to the table in my group of friends, in my family, to strangers, in this entire world. It may seem like it’s not much but I’ll let God guide my life – and I’ll know that is more than enough.

The best advice I read on tumblr so far is to be the person you needed when you were younger. Everyone is fighting a tough battle, we need to be compassionate and kind. The world needs that.

Heavy

I’m supposed to meet my friends in about an hour or so and yet I’m still dragging myself to get ready. I decided to type this post because I think I need an avenue for me to just talk about how I feel in hope it might be a form of remedy for however I feel, whatever this is.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m not happy or excited to see them; it’s just that something has been going on with me in the past few days. This heaviness I feel. It is draining me of all life, of all energy; I don’t know if it’s from shooting my documentary. I thought that shooting it would be exciting, but it hasn’t really been. It could be because I’m in need of a break after a tiring semester in school, it could also be because of the exchange of energies among people around me and I’m also picking up their low spirits and mixing it together with mine. I don’t mean to make this sound depressing – but I feel like crying every day because I feel miserable. I feel like locking myself up in my room and just sleeping the whole day.

I know this isn’t healthy and I need to get myself out of it, but I feel pretty darn pathetic. I don’t have any strength, energy or will in me to help myself. I know I should really take a break, I should take some time away to just catch my breath – but I can’t.

Dark Days

Some nights I feel completely racked with sorrow, not the kind where it’s sadness but the kind that is about misery and agony. Nothing really happened to cause me to feel that way, I reckon it’s a few variables that are working in place to cause me to feel this way. It could be the PMS, it could be the frustration and stress from the docu shoot, or it could be the feeling of abandonment and frustration. I don’t usually fancy the idea of getting feelings like that out in the open for the world to read, but I feel like I need to write it all down. I know that things will eventually work out and there is a need to get through some of the darkest days of our lives to get to the brightest. I wish I could snap out of this mood I am in but I’m finding it really difficult this time around. I feel it’s not something I can just psycho myself to perk myself up and think positive. I am losing my sun. I am losing it.

I am stressed about my docu, there is no doubt about that, but I am also very frustrated that I go to sleep most nights in the past few days with a very heavy feeling that I can’t shake off, and when I get up the next morning, I am dragging my feet out of bed – with so little enthusiasm to get started on my day, because I feel that it’s just gonna be another miserable day. I know this kind of thinking is bad for me and I wish it was that simple to snap out of it. I guess my willpower isn’t strong enough to apply the whole mind over matter thing. I don’t even know what’s really bugging me deep down inside. Is it really because of my docu? Am I in need of a break? Am I frustrated at the thought of days and situations that have not happened yet – for instance, not getting that well-deserved break even after graduation due to monetary concerns, parental concerns, restrictions etc.? Do I feel abandoned by everyone who are going/went on holidays? Do I feel slightly envious? What do I feel? Why am I feeling all these emotions?

I feel like I want to say that I am tired of living but that’s not exactly true because I still want to feel whatever happy emotions there is when I am with my loved ones, but yet I feel tired of living because living also includes all these heavy emotions that I don’t like carrying around. I feel like I have been exuding negative energy and that I don’t quite want people near me because of that. I feel that I am a burden to be around right now because I’m cranky and whiny. But yet I don’t want to always be by myself cause I need some form of company to just snap out of whatever this monster of a feeling this is. I just feel so miserable that I don’t know what else I can do to pick myself up and just live. I feel like I have no energy left in me to deal with anything. Should I just allow myself to feel this? Is it one of those “allowing yourself to feel what is necessary” moments?

I’m overthinking. I’m tired. I just want a breather.

I am also upset because, as stupid as it may sound, I long for Marion’s company more than anything right now. But I don’t want to have my happiness depend on someone, especially not when I know it’s a form of running away from whatever sad emotion there is that I feel at this moment.

I want to long for his company when I am in a good place; not like this.

Sigh. I will get through this eventually. That’s the only thing I can keep telling myself.. it’s the only thing I’ve been telling myself.

There goes another deep sigh.

Mornings with Suzie

I love the mornings when Suzie walks happily into my room, comes around the other side and looks up at me – hoping to see if I’m awake. It’s the most loving thing ever. If I do carry her up on my bed, she lies next to me for awhile, and my morning starts great.