Some nights I feel completely racked with sorrow, not the kind where it’s sadness but the kind that is about misery and agony. Nothing really happened to cause me to feel that way, I reckon it’s a few variables that are working in place to cause me to feel this way. It could be the PMS, it could be the frustration and stress from the docu shoot, or it could be the feeling of abandonment and frustration. I don’t usually fancy the idea of getting feelings like that out in the open for the world to read, but I feel like I need to write it all down. I know that things will eventually work out and there is a need to get through some of the darkest days of our lives to get to the brightest. I wish I could snap out of this mood I am in but I’m finding it really difficult this time around. I feel it’s not something I can just psycho myself to perk myself up and think positive. I am losing my sun. I am losing it.
I am stressed about my docu, there is no doubt about that, but I am also very frustrated that I go to sleep most nights in the past few days with a very heavy feeling that I can’t shake off, and when I get up the next morning, I am dragging my feet out of bed – with so little enthusiasm to get started on my day, because I feel that it’s just gonna be another miserable day. I know this kind of thinking is bad for me and I wish it was that simple to snap out of it. I guess my willpower isn’t strong enough to apply the whole mind over matter thing. I don’t even know what’s really bugging me deep down inside. Is it really because of my docu? Am I in need of a break? Am I frustrated at the thought of days and situations that have not happened yet – for instance, not getting that well-deserved break even after graduation due to monetary concerns, parental concerns, restrictions etc.? Do I feel abandoned by everyone who are going/went on holidays? Do I feel slightly envious? What do I feel? Why am I feeling all these emotions?
I feel like I want to say that I am tired of living but that’s not exactly true because I still want to feel whatever happy emotions there is when I am with my loved ones, but yet I feel tired of living because living also includes all these heavy emotions that I don’t like carrying around. I feel like I have been exuding negative energy and that I don’t quite want people near me because of that. I feel that I am a burden to be around right now because I’m cranky and whiny. But yet I don’t want to always be by myself cause I need some form of company to just snap out of whatever this monster of a feeling this is. I just feel so miserable that I don’t know what else I can do to pick myself up and just live. I feel like I have no energy left in me to deal with anything. Should I just allow myself to feel this? Is it one of those “allowing yourself to feel what is necessary” moments?
I’m overthinking. I’m tired. I just want a breather.
I am also upset because, as stupid as it may sound, I long for Marion’s company more than anything right now. But I don’t want to have my happiness depend on someone, especially not when I know it’s a form of running away from whatever sad emotion there is that I feel at this moment.
I want to long for his company when I am in a good place; not like this.
Sigh. I will get through this eventually. That’s the only thing I can keep telling myself.. it’s the only thing I’ve been telling myself.
There goes another deep sigh.