Excuses

Sorry I just needed to say this. I came across this quote – “Being attractive is not an excuse for being a shitty person,” and I was just thinking to myself, but nothing really is an excuse for being a shitty person. I think that very often, people conveniently blame situations in their past that have led them to become who they are today. People are quick to throw the blame on someone or something but not take control of their own actions. At the end of the day, we grow up and we are always gonna grow up, at some point, this blame game has to stop and self-reflection is then essential.

I’m tired of hearing people say things like “But people have treated me like shit therefore why should I be kind.” That’s just an example. Actually, I’ve thought about that a few times now because I really don’t get why I should be kind sometimes. But the past few days have been bumpy and I really wish I could turn back time and change the decisions I’ve made. I have been dealing with pretty tiresome people and I would wonder why I was always willing to be understanding to their situations and proceed to make excuses for them in the way in which they have treated me. I am a pushover and I am sick of being one, I just wanted to stop being kind altogether. But it didn’t feel quite right to think that way. It didn’t sit well with me.

At mass today, I was talking to God in my prayers and telling him all these thoughts, and as simple as this sounds, it took me awhile to get. Things are always gonna happen to us, and our days will always be filled with both dark and light, good and bad – they form our experiences and the way we deal with them forms our character arc. They can make us turn the 180 from good to bad or bad to good, from kind to unkind or from unkind to kind, from hopeful to cynical or from cynical to hopeful etc. They can make a shift in degree so slightly over the years and when you look back 5 years ago, you realise that shift became a big change. And I no longer want to give these unfortuante situations power over me. I don’t want to be a victim of my own “excuses”. So shit happens, but life is all about “unfair fairness” – as spoken by a very wise man. What I want to be is not an unkind person, or uncompassionate, or worse, cynical. I believe that the world still needs kindness and someone is probably going through what I went through a few years back and all I needed was love. They need that love too and they need someone to show them that there is still kindness. They don’t deserve my lack of compassion, they did nothing to me.

As much as I’ve been emotionall mistreated by a few cynical people in the world, I can’t let them take my light away. Someone needs my light, someone needs that light. And I may not be a Mother Teresa or Papa Francis of this world, but Mother Teresa once said that “not everyone can do great things, but everyone can do small things with great love.” I will not let this world make me bitter, I refuse it. Whatever happened to me in the past are not things I should sweep under the rug, do not mistake my meaning for that. They are essential for my growth. I don’t want to be a pushover, but that doesn’t mean I should turn to being unkind altogether, it’s too extreme. I should learn to have some courage to stand up for myself, to know my own self-worth to never allow anyone to speak unkindly to me. Because people deserve to be told off sometimes – it may be a favour to them in the blindspots of their lives. I don’t know how I’ll find this courage to defend my worth one day, but I pray that I’ll get there slowly. But today, I’ve answered some concerns I’ve had – and I stand firm on the fact that I will not be unkind or allow this world to make me a bitter person no matter how severe a situation might be. And this is what I want to bring to the table in my group of friends, in my family, to strangers, in this entire world. It may seem like it’s not much but I’ll let God guide my life – and I’ll know that is more than enough.

The best advice I read on tumblr so far is to be the person you needed when you were younger. Everyone is fighting a tough battle, we need to be compassionate and kind. The world needs that.

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