Even as I hold you, I’m (slowly) letting you go.

I came back home today and was told that Suzie was limping again. There were signs before, in her younger days where she would limp and my mother believes that Suzie may have arthritis. Apparently, she was too weak to have dinner tonight and wasn’t all too excited about going down for a walk.

I know I have been slowly preparing for the death of my dog but I don’t think I can ever shut myself out from this pain. I am constantly anxious – what if she goes when I’m not around to say goodbye, to be close to her, to soothe her in her pain? What if I decided that I wanted to go on my grad trip this year and that happens to be the time she leaves? My dad said we would be lucky if we could still have her for another year. I don’t want to believe that I have that little bit of time left with her, but yet I don’t want to get my hopes up too high cause I know it’s gonna happen eventually and that I can’t escape it. I don’t want her to go in pain, I want her to go peacefully in her sleep. Even if it’ll hurt me to wake up to see that she’s gone to heaven, I’d rather not see her in pain and have me make that painful decision to put her to sleep.

I know that every time something like that happens, I get all emotional and maybe it isn’t necessary but I can’t help my emotions because I’m so anxious. I don’t know when she’s gonna go and as much as I don’t want to think about it, I’m afraid if I pretend that everything is normal, I will never be prepared for the time it happens. I know I’ll never forget her, my bestfriend and my most loyal companion. I know that I will always love her even after death and that she will always be a huge part of my life. I know that I was blessed to have her. I know that I will have to say goodbye one day but I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to deal with that kind of loss. And I don’t know how much of my life will change when that happens.

I just want her to go without any pain of suffering, and I want her to know we were all there, we’ve always been.

I’m so scared. I really am. And my heart is breaking from seeing these signs.

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