Necessary pain

I had a vision of a little girl and she was crying out loud. “Daddy, it hurts so bad. It really hurts.” Her leg was bleeding, she just had a bad fall. And the father replied, “I want you to be brave okay?” She nodded and cried because the pain was stinging badly. He took out the antiseptic spray and she cringed, holding tightly on her father’s shirt. “I want you to be brave okay?” He sprayed it and she wailed out in pain, it stung so badly. He blew on the wound as she clung on to his shirt tightly. He whispered, “you brave girl. Now this wound will heal faster. And the most painful part is now over.” She didn’t understand it but she trusted in her father’s words. He never let her down before and despite the pain, she knew she was in a safe place.

Nothingness

I want people to love me for my nothingness – and I don’t mean that in a selfish way, like I won’t offer anything, but in a “nothing special” sense. I want them to love me despite the fact that I’m not the easiest person to hang out with because I am “boring”, “serious” and “too cautious.” I want them to love me despite the fact that whatever skills I have, they aren’t all that great. I want them to love me for what is nothing to them but it’s something to me, because that’s all I have to offer. I basically want to be enough. And I wish I didn’t have to constantly seek validation or to prove my worth to the wrong people.

God listens

The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to God in prayer with tears in my eyes, and say, “O God, forgive me, or help me.” – Billy Graham

These past few days have been like that for me. I find myself asking God for a lot of strength to go about my day. When I actually think about this stress I feel handling the projects of my final year in Lasalle, I think that it shouldn’t bother me all that much. It’s true that it means I don’t get to graduate with an excellent film, but I can’t limit myself and my capabilities within the timeframe of school. Although I would be affected right now, and it would be a sad thing if I really don’t graduate with a good film, I need to remind myself that it isn’t the end. But of course, I’m still trying to work hard to make it better, and I shall do my best and leave the rest to God.

I’m not in a very happy place right now and I’m tired of complaining about the stress, the unhappiness and basically things I can’t change such as circumstances. I want to start doing something about it. So I’ve decided to start working out again. So that I won’t feel that lousy about everything, and I’ll have an avenues release all the tension. I wake up every day, and I really tell God this one thing “I surrender. Teach me Your ways.” It has become my daily prayer.

I know He is looking out for me and I know that I will only grlw stronger from this.