Defeat 

Defeat is a funny thing. In the moment of defeat, the only thought you have in your mind is that “that’s it for me”, “this is the end”. A few years down the road, and you reflect back on this “defeat” and you realise, it led you to something greater or it opened your eyes to something you were missing back then. That’s been my entire life. 

There were so many instances in my life I have felt exactly the way I am feeling now – defeated. I have struggled a pretty great deal too, not that it means anything to anyone but somehow I made it through that defeat, and always got something out of it – whether it was a life lesson, a learning experience, an opportunity or a blessing in disguise. I am hoping that this defeat that I feel right now will be something I look back on next time and laugh about because what is big and important to me now may not matter so much next time. It’s just, getting past this defeat and going through this struggle is really life-sucking and I am constantly swimming up to the surface to gasp for air. I can’t swim deeper without going up to the surface a few times for air. I can’t hold my breath for that long. I’m not a natural swimmer. I’m not a swimmer. But I’ll reach the bottom of the ocean eventually and complete that journey, and I will swim up again and relieve my lungs.

They say what matters most is “the climb” or in other words, the journey. Doesn’t matter how fast or slow you are, doesn’t matter if you slipped for abit, because if you get there – you get there, like everyone else. 

Honestly, I feel like shit right now. I am trying to mentally encourage myself to just press on and complete the journey. Trying to cheer myself on, to tell myself it’s okay to slip, and that I just need to finish what I started. Maybe when I take myself out of the picture, I won’t see it as something that is terribly bad. Isn’t that the case sometimes, that we’re so focused on the thing that we fail to see the bigger picture of things? 

I may not be a natural filmmaker, story-teller, documentarian, whatever. But it doesn’t mean I can’t be one. I can because I enjoy it. I may lack the skills compared to my peers, but their middle is my beginning. I hardly think it’s a fair comparison. Someone once told Robin Williams that out of all his classmates, he was given the title “least likely to make it.” And sure, there aren’t a lot of Robin Williams success stories and I might not be one of them, doesn’t mean I can’t believe that I can’t be. I have to keep believing. I can’t lose sight of that. There are so many stories I have yet to explore, so many stories I have yet to tell. This journey isn’t over for me. 

I will look back on this one day, and I will laugh. It may be storming now, but it doesn’t rain forever. 

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