I know a few of you are keeping up and it feels almost appropriate to write this down with regard to how Suzie’s status has been. I know it’s pretty tiring to keep hearing only sad news.. but I’m afraid I do not have much happy news to tell. I wish there were happier news. But I am documenting this down, call me crazy.. but I am finding ways to hold on, even if it’s sad posts that I won’t want to read when it happens. God, this is hard to write down. Even as I type this, my heart continues to break. So here goes..
So last night, things took a turn for the worst. It started during dinner, we noticed her breathing was a lot faster than her usual 40 breath counts in a minute. We thought it would somehow get better but hours kept passing by and it only got worse. Then the first syncope happened. We didn’t panic this time but just hearing the yelps and the cries was painful enough. Previously, Suzie’s vet mentioned that we didn’t have to keep rushing down to the emergency clinic everytime it happens cause they will somehow recover after, it’s only when their tongue starts turning pale/bluish cause that isn’t a good sign. So after the first syncope of the night, her tongue was pale and it didn’t get better so we went down to the emergency clinic. In the car ride there, she was more alert and when we got there, she was better? As usual, the vet said there’s nothing they can do and we need to go back to her vet tomorrow to check if the dosages for her medicine should be tweaked. So we went back home and it started again. She kept gasping for air, struggling to maintain her breathing then the second syncope happened. This went on and on the whole night til the next morning. In total, 6 syncope attacks. We laid by her side til 4am, we thought that would be the night she would go. And we were ready and prepared to accept it. We prayed for her but it didn’t happen.
The next morning, her condition did not improve. We decided we’d go back to her vet first thing when they open. When we got there, she was alert again. We didn’t understand this, we still don’t. Her vet wasn’t around so we had to seek the advice of another vet. She told us that the heart murmur could be caused by various things and it needs investigation such as ECG and Echo to identify what is the real cause of it. Even if we decide to go through with it, and we find out what exactly is wrong with her.. they may need to do surgery on her. It doesn’t stop there. She needs to be a suitable candidate for surgery and let’s face it, she isn’t. She’s already 10, she’s no longer a puppy, how much longer can we extend her lifespan? And then we’d spend thousands of dollars for a surgery that might not work. Without this investigation, we’d never know the cause of the heart murmur or why she has difficulty breathing despite the lifetime medication she’s currently on. And the medicine cannot help the situation much anymore. So we decided to leave her in for observation so that incase of an emergency, she’d get immediate attention.
When we returned to pick her up, we were told by the vet that she did not have any syncope and she was fine. We thought it was fine, it was stable and it’d return to normal again. We got back home, she started drinking water from her bottle and she started to cough again. She couldn’t stand and she ran to my legs and collapsed there. But it wasn’t syncope, just fainting spells. She continued coughing at least thrice. She mustered all the strength she had just to get up and lie on the carpet.
At least she ate dinner – cod fish and some watermelons which she enjoyed. But it’s becoming increasingly difficult for her to walk about the house. Just from one end to the other and she gets very tired. Watching her life detoriate is really the most heartbreaking thing ever. It’s the cries, the yelps, the gasping for air.. I close my eyes and I keep hearing it. I wake up from my sleep and I feel like crap.. because I know it isn’t a nightmare that I woke up from, it’s a nightmare I woke up to.
We were ready to put her to sleep today when we woke up to see her struggling to breathe. But once we got to the vet, she was alive and well and we couldn’t make that decision. It wasn’t time. So we’re stuck in this limbo of waiting.. We cannot euthanize her (and I’d rather not), we cannot put her through surgery and all we can do is just live with it and to shower her with all the love she can get. The vet also mentioned that there is a chance that she might not wake up from her syncope when it happens again.
Ideally, I’d want her to go in her sleep.. peaceful and at rest. But if that does not happen, then I’d rather have her just not wake up from the syncope. I don’t want to have to make that decision to put her to sleep not only because it’s not natural, but because it meant she was suffering that much that we’d have to decide to do that to her.
I don’t usually like putting my emotions out there all the time, and I am terribly sorry to those who have been listening to me talk about how I feel all the time. I understand that this is a helpless situation and that nothing can be done but to contain these emotions is equally as hard. It’s hard to stay strong all the time and the honest truth of the matter is that my heart is breaking quite terribly from this. I mean, it’s Suzie. Not even a break up or a friendship fallout can get me as down as this. I am praying so hard for God to be merciful and just take her away peacefully in her sleep. So I am sorry that all I do is talk about it a lot and cry all the time.. there’s just no way around grieving about this. It hasn’t happened yet but my heart is already breaking. I wish there was a way I could just get myself together and stay strong. I hate feeling helpless. And I hate how I am always crying..
I guess that just means she really impacted my life and I hold such great love for her. It’s not easy watching my bestfriend’s life go.. She’s a real fighter. She struggled through the entire night with gasping and yelping and she’s still staying strong for us. I feel like she’s scared to leave us even though I told her many times to just go and not worry because I’ll always love her. I’ll always be with her in spirit. But she still chooses to hold on.
So for those of you who are reading, please, I ask a small favour from each of you.. Please pray for Suzie. Pray that God will be merciful and that He’d take her in her sleep.. where she won’t suffer and struggle. That’s all I ask. Please.
Thank you everyone for the kind words, prayers and love in this difficult time. I appreciate them and I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to respond.. I just don’t really know how and I hope you forgive me for not knowing how to.