“I will not stay silent so that you can stay comfortable.”

“I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.” – Meryl Streep

I am not a confrontational person, I’m pretty nice.. but somtimes being nice isn’t going to cut it. I think I’m starting to believe in the whole “be nice until it’s time not to be nice”. Today, I was faced with a bitter confrontation – one in which I felt was injustice on my part and an attack instead of a constructive framework. Maybe it’s because the way in which the person said it rubbed me the wrong way. Whatever it is, I still stand my ground – it wasn’t constructive simply because of the fact that I did not understand the basis of the argument and I do not appreciate it being turned against me and making me sound like I’m the deluded one. I don’t appreciate being silenced or not being given the chance to speak when it is my turn to speak or when someone asks me for my opinion. I do not lack self-reflection, you may beg to differ, but I know myself and those are not my flaws. My flaw may be in my inability to take criticism, but I can take constructive ones. Whatever that was, it wasn’t constructive.

Even though my voice shook today and I got emotional because of it, I will not be sileneced and I refuse to allow myself to feel embarassed for speaking out, for standing my ground or for defending my own worth. A friend once told me before that defending myself is not to convince the other party why they are wrong but it is to defend my worth. And I’m defending it now. Even if my voice quivers, I will no longer allow people to degrade me or my worth. Especially not people who know nothing about my life or nothing about my thoughts.

What really infuriated me today was the fact that the party was the one who brought it up for discussion and then went on to tell me I am harping on things in the past. My purpose of the feedback was very clear – it wasn’t to bitch, gossip, talk bad etc, it was to reflect what could have gone better. My reason for not bringing up thoughts on what could have gone better on my part was because it was already written in my reflection, unless the party didn’t read it. Yeah I am still pretty affected because it just happened, but I will get over it. I won’t deny the bitter resentment I know feel towards the anonymous party and I won’t deny that with all my heart, the only thing I feel towards the person is hate. I know hate is a strong word and as a Catholic, we aren’t taught to hate but to forgive. Forgiving this person is going to take some time.

But you know what, I am proud of myself for standing up for myself this time. This is the first many confrontations I will have to encounter in my life and I will get better. Hopefully in future confrontations, the party won’t be as ridiculous as this one. Honestly, I wanted to say “fuck you”. But I won’t stoop down to that level. I wanted badly to attack the person with knowlege of what might really stab the gut (not literally), but I will only defend myself. I do not care if I appear to be just a “child”, at least I made sense.

I end with this, “If refusing to take people’s shit makes you a bitch, be a bitch. At least people know you’re not the one to fuck with!”

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