Letters to You

Dear Suzie,

I keep having dreams of you. I miss you. I dreamt you were walking about in my room and I don’t know how you managed to climb over my window like a cat, but you did, and when you did you opened your legs in the way you’d ask for a belly rub. And I was trying to climb after you to get you back in but you growled at me in my dream. It’s quite funny because for a dog, you really do behave like a cat. I think the worse or best part about dreaming of you is remembering your mannerisms exactly as how it was. It’s what made you uniquely you. I close my eyes and I see how you used to smell our bags or grocery bags whenever we came home carrying one because you needed to investigate. Or how’d you back away (literally back away like a reverse parking) when you didn’t want to eat. Or how you’d you do that thing with your mouth as if you were always tasting something or your mouth was dry. The worse or best memory was how you’d nudge my room door open with your nose in the mornings and lay by my bedside til I got up. I don’t know if it’s the best or the worst to dream about your mannerisms because it helps me to remember and it’s wonderful but then I wake up and I know you’re no longer here. I don’t want to forget the way you were but I don’t want to keep being stuck in this pain. 

I got up from my sleep to go to the toilet and when I went back to sleep, I dreamt of you again. But it wasn’t a pleasant one. I dreamt of your last day. Tita and I were in the toilet with you giving you a quick shower and then I sat on your pee without knowing and had to throw my pajama pants into the washing machine. Then Chels and I were with you bringing you for a walk when you fainted on the gravel and the last thing I remember is us saying “oh no” and having that look on our faces that we needed to put you down. Though the events that happened were not entirely true, it was quite accurate in capturing the feelings that day.

I’m still so sorry that we had to put you to sleep. I know you didn’t want to suffer anymore and neither did we want to see you suffer but I can’t help but feel that you might have been a little disappointed in us to have made that decision for you. I’m sorry but I hope you understood why. 

Daddy texted the family chat and he mentioned you last night. He said he gets flashbacks of you and he misses you very much. We all do. Forgive me and all of us for trying our best to cope without you k? I don’t want to forget you because you were the bestest friend I ever had, and you were family. But holding on to this pain is so unhealthy for us. We try not to purposely look for you in the house. Like when we look at the chair beside the door, we no longer try to see “Suzie’s bed that used to be there”, instead we just see it as it is. There are other ways to keep you alive in our memories and we intend to do so but holding on to this pain and remembering you that way isn’t what you would have wanted anyway. I hope you don’t feel like we have forgotten you or that you’re slowly being erased – you’ll never be. You’ve left paw prints in all our hearts and we will always remember you. We’ll never stop loving you. 

Some days, it gets so unhealthy. I imagine how it’d be like if one day we open the door and you’re there. Like last night when I accompanied Tita to throw the rubbish at the dump last night, I saw Lola’s black shoes by the door and I thought it was you because that’s where you love to rest. Then I remembered you’re no longer around. Today we went to the market and we thought of you – both Tita and I. We would always buy minced beef every Saturday for your meals and now we don’t have to. Then we saw sweet potatoes and we remembered how you loved eating them.

I really wish your life didn’t have to be so short. Stupid heart murmur yeah Suzie? Poor thing, you suffered so much and yet you fought to stay with us as long as you could. We’re trying to get back to do our normal day routine today. I still miss you. I love you. Say hi to Jesus for me. Help me look out for Lady and Frisky. Tell them we said hi too. We await the day we’ll all be reunited again. 

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