Letters to You

My dearest Suzie,

the shoot has finally come to an end. I’m thankful –

  1. I got to know really nice people and I had much fun on set.
  2. Now, I finally have some time by myself to deal with my grief or to channel it in a healthy way.

I came by AMK Vet today to collect your urn after shoot and the feeling was weird. I felt nervous going on my own, so Marion accompanied me. I guess I was scared to see you in an urn. It’s like another reality slap. But we chose to keep you because your final resting place should be with us.

While I was at the clinic, I saw a dog by the corner wrapped in a towel and my mind went to you instantly because that was what your final day was like. You were wrapped in a towel because you were shivering and coughing and you were cremated with the towel too. I had to look away.. Seeing your urn made me want to cry again. I just kept thinking of how much I missed holding you in my arms and remembering that and now, all I feel is a cold surface carried in one hand. I didn’t cry though. I started to tear. I just couldn’t help but play it all back in my head – how your final day was like. It was the darkest day in my life. I couldn’t look at the dog because he/she reminded me of you. I kept getting flashbacks of your last day and I had to just take deep breaths to stop myself from turning my tears to loud cries.

As I brought your urn back home, Tita cried to the point of hyperventilation. She misses you the most. Of course, you two had the closest bond and she practically looked after you for 11 years. Seeing your urn came as a shock to her even though she thought she’d be okay. She kept saying she was thinking of how she just want to hold you but she can’t and now you’re in that urn. It took us awhile to calm her down and make her laugh again – at least for awhile.

I’m worried, Suzie. If not for Lola in the house, Tita might have slipped into slight depression because you two were always alone at home while the rest of us went to work or school. She’d always talk to you and now she can’t. But Lola will have to go back eventually and I’m worried for Tita’s emotional health. We know that this grieiving process is a long one but we can’t stop the sadness from creeping in from time to time. Please assure Tita that you’re still here in spirit and that you are okay. Give her the comfort she needs and the comfort from you that she misses so much.

We love you so much that we are doing a lot to turn our grief into a remembrance. For one, we have decided to place your urn + a photo of you and your collar and a nice engraved title on the second shelf of the glass cabinet in the living room. This will be your “colambrium” and you’ll be happy to be back home again. We honour your life, Suzie. We honour it so much. Once your little space is done, I’ll take a photo and show it to you k?

I miss you, little Suzie. Sending you kisses from earth to rainbow bridge. Loving you always.

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