My mind keeps searching for you

Does missing you get better with time? I really really wish you were here. If you were, you’d be walking in the kitchen by now to see what I’m doing. But to wish that would be selfish of me. It would mean you’d still be suffering and in so much pain

Some days, I am a selfish coward. These are days where I feel like life can’t go on without you and all I want is just to have you around so that I would feel better. I just really miss your company, Suzie. I miss you so much. 

You were the only true friend that loves so unconditionally. I think about the years gone by and I feel like your life was so short. I should be thankful and I am, but I’m never satisfied – always bargaining for more when I already have more. My mind keeps searching for you. I love you so much. 

Dear Suzie,

I miss your face. I read Chels’ post on Instagram today, it was sad. You know, it’s been 2 months since your passing and we still grieve every now and then. You were most loved. This house rejoiced in your presence. Coming home was always an exciting experience, even if it was the same thing every day – you’d run to greet us at the gate. It was the same thing every day, yet, every time you ran to greet us, it was always a different experience. Sometimes, we had bad days and you greeting us made the day better. Other days, we had pretty great days and you greeting us just added more flavour to the day’s events. I take my time coming home these days. It’s not that I don’t like being home, it’s just.. I know I won’t see you at the gate.

I wish there was a way I could talk to you. I want so badly to hug you, to pet your head or give you your favourite belly rubs. I want so badly to kiss you. You know I had a pretty rough time dealing with this grief? I thought I’d be much stronger but I wasn’t. The first few times when I closed my eyes before I go to bed, I would see your face and how I saw death take you. How I saw life drained from your eyes. I sought help. It got better eventually. When it happens these days, I force my mind to move on to happier thoughts of you. I’m fighting a mental battle actually – trying to shield my mind, to make it strong so that nothing can break me. But my heart speaks loudest to me. And you fill my heart. I’ve even taken up kickboxing because I became so angry after your death. It’s been helping me.

I wish I could immortalise you in every way possible. I wish to do things in your honour. I want people to know of my amazing Suzie and to relate because they each have their amazing “Suzie”. I secretly hoped you could have lived till 16. But your sickness didn’t allow it. Imagine if we had another 5 more amazing years together? You’d see my transition to another phase in my life, from college grad to working adult. You were always there. You made growing up easier. I was always fearful of people and how they can be but you always gave me that hope and happiness in life. I’d be lying if I told people I depend on no one. A lot of my happiness depended on you. You were literally my whole world, the biggest part of it. I imagined if I lost all that is important to me one by one, it would really suck but if I had you, I had a lot.

I always imagined that if I lost everyone in my life, I would carry you in my arms and walk far into the woods somewhere. I would somehow find a way to build my stupid cabin in the woods. We would be living in a cabin in the woods together, isolated from the rest of the world. I’d look out for you and you’d look out for me. And even if we grieved for our lost family, we would take comfort in each other’s presence and somehow find joy in living again. Just my silly thoughts. But in reality, I didn’t lose everyone else. I lost you. And it’s not the same, human interaction with another human. It’s not the same. Animals love with bigger hearts, and purer, if not purest, of intentions.

You are the greatest love story in my life. I’m sure you already know that. I miss you every day, my bestfriend. My bestest friend. You know, I get jealous when I see people and their dogs sometimes. I don’t mean that in a green-eyed way. I just wish I had you still. They still have their special one, and I had to say goodbye to mine. And now all that exists is the memory of you. You’re no longer a physical presence. And I, a stupid human, I need the physical presence in order to know you’re still here. I often feel like I need abstract imagination just to feel you still. But I know you’re still with us, I know you often visit us. I would like to believe so.

I still smell your collar. I kept it in my pandora box in a locked drawer. It’s my most prized possession. I still smell it from time to time. I’m sorry that I’m so weak. But it’s you we’re talking about. You were my pressure point. You’re still fondly remembered. We’ll never forget you.