The door between what was and what is

It’s 8 plus in the morning on a Saturday and after coming back from a rather humid walk with my dog, Max, and cleaning him up, I couldn’t decide what to have for breakfast. I wanted something nice and cold because I had just given ice to Max for him to enjoy and even though he did not quite know how to enjoy ice, I thought something cold would be good. 

I was always told as a young girl that breakfast must be proper – not chocolates, ice-cream, cake etc. I knew it would be better for both me and my tummy to have some scrambled eggs and a warm drink instead. But when I opened the fridge, I shut it close. I opened the freezer and reached for the ice-cream cone instead because sometimes you got to just do what your heart desires and stop living by rules after rules.

So I sat in front of the blank TV, and enjoyed my ice-cream for breakfast. I don’t really watch TV since I’m always on my laptop now. I just like sitting around and spacing out while enjoying my food, so that’s exactly what I did. However, my attention averted to Suzie’s resting place on the display shelf. I saw that it was getting dusty so I started cleaning it. While cleaning it, Max who was lying down far away, came towards me and stared at Suzie’s urn. I felt this strong overwhelming emotion. I was holding the urn of my late dog, while my current dog sat beside me and for a moment I felt I was literally a door to what was the past and what is the present. I found myself tearing up as I continued to wipe her urn clean. I wish I could just hug her physical body but the warmth of her love was replaced by this cold urn that now held her remains. I found myself kissing it/her, and Max watched me, confused. When I turned to look at him, he wagged his tail at me. In the present moment, I was thinking of a million thoughts – I had flashbacks of Suzie, I had thoughts of Max, how I wish so much that they both met and how I wish I had them both at the same time, I contemplated about life etc, but then I saw Max wagging his tail at me and all he had in mind in that one moment was “come play with me” or “come pay attention to me”. So after cleaning up her urn, I took his toy and gave it to him. I closed the physical door but I felt like I was also saying “see you again” to Suzie again because I had to get back to my boy, Max, who I love as well.

I had both my dogs with me in that brief moment. Imagine this lovely scene, I was there wiping her urn clean and Max was beside me watching me do so. Dogs do not dwell in the past nor do they contemplate on the future, they live in the present. Dogs know so much about emotions and grief, but they wish nothing more than for their humans to be happy. Even though Max is quite the dodo bird at times, and he may or may not have understood what I was doing, I knew he just wanted me to come be with him. Til I see you again, Suzie, my beloved one.


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