“Whenever I have a stressful day, you’re the only person I want to talk to. Which, I know, sucks for you, but you deal with it like a champ. And I appreciate that.”

Thank you for meeting me for dinner last night. Thank you for insisting on paying for me meal even though you’re not working yet. Thank you for being present whenever I have so much anxiety in life. You may think it’s such a small thing to be super appreciative about but to me it isn’t. I feel the need to always put up a tough front as much as I can despite having a shitty day. By babying me, means allowing me to be vulnerable and soft because to me it means this. – “I have you now, you can collapse into my arms and I will carry your world for you in this moment.” You allow me to be vulnerable and I allow myself to let go because I know you’ll keep me safe.

I’m listening to Yellow now from Coldplay because the song came on, on Spotify, while on shuffle mode, and it brings me back to the concert in Bangkok with you. I am remembering how you lifted my chin to kiss me during this song. I was so shy but it made me fuzzy because in my mind, time stopped for awhile and in that moment it was just you and me. It has always been you and me.

Female toilets

Everytime I want to enter a cubicle of the female toilet, I push the door slowly like it’s a horror story because sometimes it really is a horror story. A lot of men have the impression that girls are typically cleaner or more hygienic but I beg to differ. Some girls are utterly atrocious with their toilet etiquette. The things I see behind that door are too disturbing for me to even list them down.

I notice that most ladies take the same approach as I do when they want to enter a cubicle. I can tell you that a majority of women does the same exact action. Sometimes I am in the cubicle and hear the person in the cubicle next to mine come out and I don’t hear the tap turned on after that so I assume the person did not wash their hands after using the toilet. I get it, to each her own but please stop leaving “gifts” for the rest of the ladies using the toilet after you. I just cannot understand what’s so hard about making sure the cubicle is good to use after they’ve used it.

Very often in the past, when I went for church camps, I would always hope that my group doesn’t kena (get) the female toilet cleanup duty on the last day of camp. Even though the male toilets are smellier, at least they’re so much cleaner to clean!

At work, or at any shopping mall, I would try my best to always go to the toilets on the higher floors unless I’m super urgent and can’t hold it in much longer. Yes, I am a little enthusiastic about clean toilets. I love it when they look so pristine and when the air always smells good. Even though I’m not as bad as other women when it comes to dirty toilets whereby I won’t hold my my pee in if I really got to go, I would do it if I’m not so urgent.

Funny conversations with Marionthefrayna

We were discussing potential names for our future kids while walking back home and he said he wants to give our daughter a boy name since there’s so many girl names I want to avoid. That was the start of his annoying suggestions.

After looking through some names, he then went on to suggest names that are weird. He event went to the point of saying “what if our daughter is born during the monsoon then we have to name her something related to it”. I told him that we must look at the meanings of the names too because I believe in name meanings. We came across a few names that we thought are quite nice but the meaning of the names were not the best, such as “dark-haired”. And he was so convinced it was a good name meaning, he went on to say that “our child will have very dark hair then”. At this point I wanted to face palm because both our hairs are black so obviously our child’s hair would be black too. Then we came across the name “Serenity” and he was like “ohhh Serenity!” The conversation that ensued after almost losing my mind at his annoying suggestions was this –

Cristy: Yeah let’s name her that so that I can have some.

Marion: *laughing* Can I have some serenity in the house?

And we both started laughing. I told him I’ll also proceed to name the rest of our kids “Justice”, “Hope”, “Joy” etc. And we laughed about it for some time before he said “omg why are we so lame.”

Our conversations can be so lame or cheesy sometimes but I thoroughly enjoy these moments with Marion. There’s no one else I can be as weird or lame with, as him.

I don’t know why we started discussing kids’ names yet as we’re not even expecting, much less, married; but it gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling. I can’t say for sure if our relationship will be till marriage as we’re still discerning but I do hope we would because I really can’t see how anyone else can laugh at the same lame things as I do. No one else gets me quite like he does. I just don’t want a life with anyone else.

My list of simple pleasures

#1 One of my favourite meals is when Tita cooks Prawn Curry with Brinjal and Salted Egg Tofu to go with my rice. I love simple, homely meals, especially when there’s leftover to bring to work and have it for lunch the next day. It’s the taste of home from far away.

#2 When you’re next in line for the train back home but it’s packed and you can’t get in but then the next train arrives and it’s completely empty, filled with seats. Sometimes what may seem like it’s “just your luck” really becomes a lucky moment.

#3 Having gross conversations with Marion and not judging each other for our weirdness. 

Once upon a Misty Crayon

I just want to have a lazy stay-in day with you watching Disney movies in the living room and sipping on hot soup. We would snuggle and enjoy each other’s company. If we had popcorn or even cookies, I’d be stuffing them in your mouth with every chance I get because it’s what I do. You’d look at me with that “I’m annoyed with you but I adore you” face. Moments like these make me feel like I can’t wait to get my married life started with you, provided we really do make it to and through marriage. But I am aware that it won’t always be pretty but it’s not because of just the pretty moments that I want this lifetime with you. I want this lifetime with you because life is hard and there’s nobody else I’d rather go through the hard times with than with you. Whether I had a good day or a bad day, with you, it’s just always better.

The door between what was and what is

It’s 8 plus in the morning on a Saturday and after coming back from a rather humid walk with my dog, Max, and cleaning him up, I couldn’t decide what to have for breakfast. I wanted something nice and cold because I had just given ice to Max for him to enjoy and even though he did not quite know how to enjoy ice, I thought something cold would be good. 

I was always told as a young girl that breakfast must be proper – not chocolates, ice-cream, cake etc. I knew it would be better for both me and my tummy to have some scrambled eggs and a warm drink instead. But when I opened the fridge, I shut it close. I opened the freezer and reached for the ice-cream cone instead because sometimes you got to just do what your heart desires and stop living by rules after rules.

So I sat in front of the blank TV, and enjoyed my ice-cream for breakfast. I don’t really watch TV since I’m always on my laptop now. I just like sitting around and spacing out while enjoying my food, so that’s exactly what I did. However, my attention averted to Suzie’s resting place on the display shelf. I saw that it was getting dusty so I started cleaning it. While cleaning it, Max who was lying down far away, came towards me and stared at Suzie’s urn. I felt this strong overwhelming emotion. I was holding the urn of my late dog, while my current dog sat beside me and for a moment I felt I was literally a door to what was the past and what is the present. I found myself tearing up as I continued to wipe her urn clean. I wish I could just hug her physical body but the warmth of her love was replaced by this cold urn that now held her remains. I found myself kissing it/her, and Max watched me, confused. When I turned to look at him, he wagged his tail at me. In the present moment, I was thinking of a million thoughts – I had flashbacks of Suzie, I had thoughts of Max, how I wish so much that they both met and how I wish I had them both at the same time, I contemplated about life etc, but then I saw Max wagging his tail at me and all he had in mind in that one moment was “come play with me” or “come pay attention to me”. So after cleaning up her urn, I took his toy and gave it to him. I closed the physical door but I felt like I was also saying “see you again” to Suzie again because I had to get back to my boy, Max, who I love as well.

I had both my dogs with me in that brief moment. Imagine this lovely scene, I was there wiping her urn clean and Max was beside me watching me do so. Dogs do not dwell in the past nor do they contemplate on the future, they live in the present. Dogs know so much about emotions and grief, but they wish nothing more than for their humans to be happy. Even though Max is quite the dodo bird at times, and he may or may not have understood what I was doing, I knew he just wanted me to come be with him. Til I see you again, Suzie, my beloved one.