With all these free time to myself, my mind wanders around quite a bit. Even though I keep myself busy by going out, my mind still wanders quite a bit.

My soul is tired.

I’m starting to wonder if my soul is tired because I haven’t been spending time in prayer and meditation. I’ve been filling my time with things that satisfy me for awhile but there’s no genuine joy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pious – not like how I used to be. I still very much want a relationship with God but I am so tired of people and the word ‘community’ gives me great social anxiety and brings about feelings of anger. Let’s be honest, people of faith can be the world’s best at praise and worship but the world’s worst with empathy and inclusion. Lately, there’s been things about people of faith that’s been bugging me. I feel that some of the things I stand up for such as a plant-based diet out of compassion for animals, or the elimination of plastic straws for the environment, are things that people of faith immediately find faults in. I do not get it. I won’t speak for the other religions, I’ll only speak for my own here. I feel that the church has a lot of empathy for the poor and the needy, and that’s all good, but sometimes they leave out the animals or the environment which should be a global concern considering the fact that we are living on Earth and killing it slowly or pretty rapidly these days. Why is it wrong for me, as a Catholic, to adopt a vegetarian lifestyle or to stand for plastic straw bans? One of the articles I’ve read concerning the plastic straw ban is about how we need to be mindful about including those with Down Syndrome, Dementia, Stroke impairments etc who rely heavily on bendy plastic straws to facilitate drinking. The article goes on to call those who carry reusable straws ‘hipsters’ which gave me an immediate ‘WTF’ reaction. The tone of the article was negative towards those who are calling for a plastic straw ban as it not only calls these group of people “hipsters” but the movement a “self-righteous policy”. You can read about the article here: https://www.theglobeandmail.com/opinion/article-for-many-with-disabilities-plastic-straws-are-essential-not/To further aggravate me, the person who shared this article on my Facebook news feed is a Catholic.

Let me first address this article’s statement and what I felt was wrong about it -While I appreciated the fact that they brought up the issues that those with Down Syndrome or Stroke impairments etc would find, I didn’t appreciate that the tone of this article made it sound like people who are actively trying to save the environment get called ‘hipsters’ or ‘self-righteous’ as if they are doing this to be cool or start a trend. These people are not doing it for themselves, they’ve seen videos and have read up about how Earth is dying from our excessive use of plastic. Trying to save the Earth is anything but “self-righteous”. What do you think would happen to us humans if Earth were to die? And we are only calling for a ban of plastic straws, not a total ban of all plastics even though that’d be ideal. It’s just 1 small item, and a simple action that can help to decrease plastic waste and the effects it has on Mother Earth. Please enlighten me on why this is a self-righteous act? Of course they do not want to exclude those who would face difficulties without a straw, but does this apply to everyone who doesn’t have difficulty going without a straw? Maybe instead of a total plastic straw ban, perhaps companies can have some plastic straws available for those who REALLY need them and it would be up to their discretion. Might not be the best solution, but at least it’s a solution and not just simply calling people “self-righteous”. Or if these group of people have difficulties washing their reusable straws, perhaps instead of giving out plastic straws, we can have straws made of biodegradable materials which other companies are already doing. Again, please enlighten me why the ban of plastic straws is bad when companies are offering some solutions to this?

I don’t know if there’d be a difference if someone who wasn’t a Catholic or a person of faith posted this. I’m not entirely sure if I am projecting emotions on people. I didn’t have a very good experience with church people in the past few years. I didn’t feel very much included in church communities, and one time when I was attending mass and had the flu, I kept sneezing non-stop and this elderly lady infront of me turned around and glared at me in annoyance. Mind you, I covered my nose and mouth when I sneezed. I could only think of one reason why she would give me such a reaction – she was annoyed that I was sneezing non-stop. Another time, I was with Marion and fetching my dad from a church meeting. He told me park the car as he’ll be going to the coffeeshop opposite for awhile. So I parked the car in church, wound down the windows and waited for a good 20 mins or so. A lady from the church parish, parked her car next to mine and when she was done, she asked us if we were here to play PokemonGo. Can you imagine the reaction I gave her? I had half the mind to tell her off but calmed myself down a little and told her that we are from this Parish. We had the crucifix in our car even, I have no idea why she’d even bring this up. She then proceeded to tell us that she’s just asking to make sure cause there were incidents where people who weren’t from the parish parked their cars in the church’s limited parking space and that cause some problems for those who had passengers who were handicapped. She also mentioned how this area was a hotspot for PokemonGo. Okay I get the concern but was that really the right approach? She could have just asked if we were from the Parish instead of assuming we were here to play some stupid game. It didn’t help that 10 minutes after that, a pair of guys in their 20’s who were clearly not from the parish parked their car next to mine to go to the market opposite. People like to use the church parking space because it’s free.Again, I’m not saying ALL church people are bad. It’s just that I haven’t had the best encounters or experiences with them in the past. I feel that the values I believe in goes against the values of the church but I am also standing for good causes. I just can’t understand why people of faith feel the need to attack the causes I believe in or to tell me that God actually allows us to eat meat. Yes, but did He allow us to do so ruthlessly? Do you know the processes behind the meat industry? I’m not going to go into that, but I believe that God wouldn’t want us to treat his creation with abuse and torture. And even if He allows us to eat meat, I don’t want to because I find it hard to reconcile two things – loving animals and eating meat. It’s either you love animals and don’t eat meat or you don’t love animals and you eat meat. People love their dogs, do they eat their dogs? Of course the argument would be that dogs are pets, and cows, pigs, chicken, fish etc are meant for eating. I think that’s Speciesism. For those who don’t know what that means, “it’s the assignment of different values, rights or special consideration to individuals solely on the basis of their species membership.” But again, I won’t get into that too much here.

All I’m saying is that I feel that the Catholic Church needs to be a little more open-minded and try to understand these movements and causes and why people are doing it. I wish there was a way I can reconcile both my faith and these causes I believe in.I’ve been watching Naruto and he often says this line “that’s my way of the Ninja” because there was a scene where he didn’t believe in one of the ways of the Ninja but he still had this dream of becoming a Hokage. Let’s just say in this case, the Hokage is the equivalent of an Archbishop in the Catholic Church. I know the Catholic Church doesn’t believe that people should come up with their own way of doing things in the faith. Groups of people who have done so have been excommunicated from the church such as the mafia whom Pope Francis excommunicated. It’s often said that the way to heaven is through a very narrow gate. I don’t quite know what is right to do anymore. I’ve always been a black or white person in most cases, especially when it comes to the faith, but these days, there’s been a few grey areas. I love God, I do. And I want a relationship with Him but the Catholic Church and the rules and the people is something else. It shouldn’t be, but it is. I have been struggling with this in my faith. I am honestly afraid to have a kid next time because if my kid confesses to me that he/she is gay, what am I supposed to do? I want to be supportive but my faith says otherwise. How do you reconcile the two? I stopped talking to God because I felt it’d be easier if I just do what I feel is right but my soul is growing so tired. It’s tired because I’ve been doing all the driving and not knowing the directions. I’ve been relying on my own strength when I really need God’s. I feel ashamed to pray because if I ask Him for help, I feel the guilt of only praying when times are bad. But God is a loving father right? So why do I feel all these feelings?

I thought that if I found a Spiritual Director, it’d help me make sense of things but to be honest, I don’t know if there’s a Spiritual Director out there who understands my internal conflict and if there is one, how do I begin to look for him/her? I know I can’t keep going at this alone. This being life. I am a little lost and very drained at this point. I have suppressed emotions – most of which is anger, bitterness and disappointment, and even though I acknowledge these emotions, I don’t want to be bothered by them so I keep suppressing them. It’s just tiring me out. I miss the days where being prayerful led me to a treasure chest of wisdom. There is no wisdom in my thoughts these days because I haven’t been meditating.I am not happy about the way I am these days. This isn’t who I am. This isn’t me. I am more than that, I’ve just been lost.

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Was up til 2am last night with a serving of extra spicy Maggie goreng cup noodles, a packet of Mnms and some Naruto (introduced by the boyfriend). One of life’s simple pleasures. I usually don’t eat past midnight but I felt the need to break my own rules last night.I’ve been feeling socially drained from talking to people and hanging out with people in general, for 6 consecutive days. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the convos with the different groups of people, but I need to recharge after 3 days max, so these 6 consecutive days of socialising really drained me. It’s different when I hang out with my boy, Max, though. I guess it’s because he’s a dog and being in the company of animals never drains me socially. Perhaps because they don’t communicate with words.I’m just relieved to be having these 2 days to myself.

The heart knows when the search is over.

He has great taste in music and watching him do something he’s so passionate about is pretty admirable. The world doesn’t know this about him but he has a lovely singing voice. Watching him grow through all these years really reaffirms the love I feel for him. This connection we share – it’s so deep, so rooted. I could go on about the things I find so amazing about him but I’ll stop here because words are not enough to make anyone understand what my heart wants to say.

I never thought we’d get here after all that we’ve been through and all the obstacles we had to fight through. It was all worth it. He is worth the struggles and all my effort.

I had a strange dream last night. I dreamt I was wheelchair-bound at this age and I was had to go down the rollercoaster tracks on my wheelchair. I was trying to get to him somewhere below. In real life, I really hate rollercoasters but this time, it was different. It was both thrilling and scary. As I made my down, all I could think about was how excited I am to see him so the fear didn’t hold me back. I went as fast as I could until I saw him, until I met him mid-point. He smiled as I approached and we embraced each other tightly, lovingly. We had another round to go so he took my wheelchair and pushed me down, with him hanging on to the back. As we went down, I turned back and watched him smiling that mischievous grin he has, wind in his hair, joy in his eyes. He caught me looking and smiled at me as I laughed and screamed on the way down. That look – it made me feel safe and so serene. We laughed all the way down and as I turned back, he was still holding on my wheelchair but he was now an old man, and I, an elderly lady. It resembled that cartoon drawing of an elderly couple holding hands an laughing that I keep as my wallpaper for my Mistycrayon’s’ Spotify playlist. We aged as we continued down the rollercoaster and yet we like two young kids – still so madly in love. It was a strange dream but he pointed out that it was cool representation of our life story. Now that he mentioned it, it was. It really was. ☺️

The Pikachu to my Ash

Happy birthday, my darling Suzie. You would have been 13 today.

I miss you every day, more than you can imagine.

The Pikachu to my Ash (nevermind the gender).

This time of the year always gets me feeling so emotional. The colours of my world have come back but today, I feel the black and white all over again. I remember your sweet face and your mannerisms – you’re such a sweetheart you know? You were really my bestfriend through and through and.. I just miss you… so much. Some days, I feel like my heart is about to explode in my chest from the grief. You were the greatest joy in my life.. and also the deepest heartbreak, but you were never a regret. I love you so much. ❤️

To Suzie 🥂, and all the joy and love that came with her.

Sometimes when I get so angry in life, I want to throw this tantrum like when I was a kid and refuse to do what I should do because I believe it to be right. I want to do everything that is wrong and immature but I always find it so hard to go against my better judgement, which is to sit my angry ass down in one corner and calm the storm in me before I respond with the right thing to do. I’m not incapable of bad decisions and lashing out, I am SO capable of it but I’ve grown over the years and have done so much to learn from that.

Well, in this context, I feel frustrated that I go to bed thinking I’m just going to throw a very immature tantrum for it just to make it known I am not happy only to kick the blanket off and do the opposite because I know there’s no better way than communicating my feelings than to talk to the person who is affecting those feelings. Besides, I don’t want to reverse all that learning process and undo my progress. I’ve come a long way to slide all the way back down. If this is a game of snakes and ladders, I’ve been rolling that dice to make the slow progress or reach the ladder. Occasionally, I get the snake and it bites me right back in the ass.

I’m no superhero, but I’m not the typical female in that story either. I’m just an ordinary plain Jane doing what I feel is best – and I save myself. How else am I going to grow in confidence and strength if I’m not thrown the difficult situations in life.

Today is just one of those days where I want to sit in front of my laptop, binge watch on Suits and have some delicious cake. If I didn’t have work, I would be baking that delicious cake for myself only to enjoy it later in the evening when I’m winding down the day.

Some days, I wish I pursued being a pastry chef. The problem is, I never seem to have the confidence to pursue anything I may potentially be good at only because I fear being told I’m not good enough. But I know everything I want is on the other side of fear so I got to have the courage to pursue the things that both excite and scare me.

I’m listening to the song “Mr.Brightside” on Spotify and that song never fails to remind me of Marion – not because of the lyrics but it was the memory that came with the song.

For one, I like to tell him “I never” when he jokingly accuses me of lying. Since the beginning of time, his comeback is “why are you singing the song” and I either react by giggling or giving him the annoyed look cause I’ve heard that one too many times before.

For another, it’s the song we sang on the way home from Sembawang MRT Station when he was walking me home; or when he had our picnic date at Botanic Gardens; and in our hotel room during our Penang trip when I was being super hyper one night after the sugar rush from all the cakes we ate.

It’s not that I can’t sing, I’m just not talented in that area. Hahaha and I’m really bad with remembering lyrics so yeah, this is one of the songs that I have no problem remembering the lyrics to and even though the lyrics are talking cheating – it is a happy song for me. It brings me back to very good memories with Marion. I cannot wait to move in with this human one day. In the trips we’ve had together, we’ve realised how natural it is for us to live together and how much we enjoy it. He’s truly my soulmate. Blessed beyond thanksgiving for the wonderful partner I have found in Marion.